The Most Feminist Government in History – a novella by H.P. Baxxter
Published: September 20, 2012 at 8:09pm
Leopold Bloom slowly shuffled along Republic Street, dejected.
It was another Thursday morning. Thursday, the worst of a bad lot. Too far away into the week to look new and too far away from the weekend.
Not that he enjoyed weekends. Not since the new government had enacted The Feminist Statute.
He was woken from his reverie by the gruff voice of a local warden, with braless mammaries hanging like twin torpedoes down to her ample waist. Bras had been abolished by the new Feminist Government.
She had drawn her taser (new rules) on a terrified young man, whose mobile phone was ringing.
It was a tune he knew and loved, but which was on the Forbidden List – Cheri Cheri Lady by Modern Talking. The Feminist Commission had declared it too sexist. It had made the playing of the tune illegal, even for private consumption.
Even the words of the national anthem had had to be changed. The motherland was now the “guardianland”. The Special Feminist National Symbol Commission had complained about the implication that women must all bear children. But it had made sure all the verb endings were in the feminine form.
It was a grammatical shambles, but the Great Leader had vowed to have the most feminist government in history, and he was not one to break his promises.
The dozens of shops selling frilly lingerie and swimwear along Republic Street had all been closed down. Piccinino had gone out of business. The Museum of Archeology had commissioned Caqnu’s men to add a concrete penis to the Fat Lady, to symbolise Female Empowerment Since Prehistoric Times.
Even the bronze Independence Monument was modified, this time by the re-opened Drydocks. The pert breasts had been examined by the Feminist Commission and judged to be bra-supported. They were therefore ground down and replaced by two pig iron slugs welded onto the figure’s chest.
Wire mesh had been bolted onto the legs to represent unshaven leg hairs. Workmen – workPERSONS – had just added another strip on the figure’s upper lip.
Leopold arrived at the office, and settled down to his usual dreary routine. At nine he needed to visit the gents’, now renamed the people’s. Toilets at the office were now unisex, and the Feminist Government had passed a bill making wall urinals mandatory for both sexes.
Restrooms all over the nation were in a mess, but the evening news always showed smiling cleaning ladies – cleaning STAFF – praising the new Feminist Government and the Girl Power it had given them.
Leopold did his business, carefully avoiding the copious puddles, and looked at the mirror as he dried his hands. His beard now reached to his chest. Ladies’ shaving implements had been banned on the second day of the Feminist Government’s Legislature. But some ladies, who had been labelled unprogressive conservatives by the new government, had resorted to using their husband or boyfriend’s trusty Wilkinson or Gillette. So they were eventually banned as well.
Then there was the body odour. The government had banned the importation of toiletries bearing sexist adverts, which meant that shampoos, perfumes, lotions and the whole lot was out.
New factories had been built, with Chinese help, to produce substitute patriotic Maltese progressive bodycare products, but they stank so much you were better off using washing-up liquid. Of course that had been banned too, because all the adverts featured housewives.
Leopold sighed and wished his hand had withered before he had voted for the Most Feminist Government party.