Women have to raise the child only if they assume they have to.

Very good point, Daphne.

I remember a furore in Italy some years back (the news had made it to the local newspapers) about one such case, where a husband agreed to his wife having IVF by donor. Once the baby was born and the husband was faced with another man’s child, he was unable to accept it and left his wife literally holding the baby.

Dear Daphne Caruana Galizia,

I fully understand you have every right to choose what you publish on your website and since I’m sure you have better things to do, I’m sure you don’t generally give explanations as to why a comment isn’t published. That said, I’m wondering whether you can find a minute or two to write to me explaining why my last two comments were not published. This is out of curiosity more than anything else and it can also serve as a guide to any future comments I might decide to write.

May I take this opportunity to congratulate you on your blog. It makes for very interesting reading, creates good debates and you often express what more or less I tend to be thinking myself.

I’m looking forward to your reply. Thanks.

[Daphne – I was out. And when I returned, I wrote tomorrow’s column. Both comments are pending still.]

The couple can’t have kids because of the a low sperm count problem and rather than resort to a safe, well planned, professional environment at the doctor’s surgery, you call for women to have get pregnant by having it off with someone else? Call me the typical Maltese male – but I beg to differ.

[Daphne – I’m not calling for anything. I’m just pointing out that the donor sperm system is designed primarily to protect the husband’s ego. It’s certainly not designed to protect the wife. If you think it’s safe, you’re off your rocker. The process literally assaults the woman’s body, which is why there can be no more than two or three attempts. Women left to their own devices would simply find somebody to sleep with. The latest statistics – released a few days ago – show a phenomenal increase in the number of single British women giving birth in their late 30s. Do you think they’ve all found Mr Right at 38, by some amazing coincidence? No. They realsed they were never going to find him, that this is their last chance at getting pregnant, and took a pragmatic decision to conceive.]

The act of making love is wildly different from getting IVF for the simple reason that there is no emotion involved for IVF as there is for the former.

[Daphne – You’re very naive if you think that sex necessarily involves emotion.]

Yes, some may have a consensual emotionless fling for different reasons or sometimes without reason save for the pleasure of it, but this does not mean that all are of the same ilk and that the act in itself does not leave lasting emotions.

If my wife had any problem with her reproductive system, I could never get myself screwing someone else to have a child. If anything I would resort to using my sperm to be used with a surrogate mother. Love making is best savoured by the couple themselves.

[Daphne – That’s completely different. You wouldn’t be the one getting pregnant, giving birth, and being the primary carer. I’m always astonished when men make a direct equation between fatherhood and motherhood. The two are completely and utterly different. If you got somebody pregnant, you would never know unless she told you. You could live and die not knowing you had a child. Women cannot fail to know they have become mothers. The bond between a woman and her child is primeval. Between a father and his child the bond is entirely social. The man goes on trust: his woman presents him with a baby and tells him that it is his. It could just as well be anyone else’s, as we have seen.]

Here’s another rumour, Purdie. Chew on this: http://www.infowars.com/obama-can-shut-down-internet-for-4-months-under-new-emergency-powers/

You would, of course, believe such a rumour, Purdie. No tin-foil required for gossip. But where’s the evidence?

I agree that fertile people shouldn’t be impeded from having children just because they have an infertile spouse. Maybe the man felt highly aggrieved more because she did it behind his back than the fact that she did it. I still think he should have been more understanding though knowing his condition. Presumably he has loved his children until now so why disown them all of a sudden? It sounds very immature.

I think mature couples can find a solution to such a problem without doing stuff behind each other’s backs. I think IVF, adoption and having sex with a third person are all good ways to tackle the issue if they can reach an agreement on one. I guess the key is making the infertile spouse feel somehow involved so that she or he would feel comfortable raising the child as his/her own. Maybe a threesome, maybe the infertile spouse would want the other to do it while she or he isn’t looking. Maybe together deciding who the surrogate mother or father will be. There are different ways of dealing with this. Obviously they have to have a strong relationship to take this kind of decision and they have to be mature and understanding about it. Failure to reach some kind of an agreement would lead to cases such as this one.

I rather think MS was replying tongue in cheek there Daphne. But perhaps not…