No, Purdie, rather not, especially witty toilet jokes like yours – which I’ve missed ever since you adapted your talent to dishwashing wit.

***
Parc de Bruxelles, eh? Each morning! No, Baxxter, I’m a sane person.

We’ve all been there, Kevin. Just cut down on the useless calories and go for a run around the Parc de Bruxelles each morning, and you’ll be grating cheese on your abs in no time at all.

Of course you won’t be eating that cheese since it’s just solidified fat, but it’s a good dinner party trick.

“The Maltese are spending too much time reading Daphne’s blogs.”

Wow. A lame attempt at wit. You don’t do wit well, Kevvy.

Actually, Baxxter, the too-busy-to-be-active bit is all me – which explains why I’m not as skeletal as you are, but not as pot-bellied as Purdie.

Purdie, why not find yourself a nice mermaid which you can scale down to purpose?

No. It takes more than a couple of flights of stairs and walking round the office. You need at least 30 minutes of cardio per day, and that means raising your heart rate above 55% of its maximum and keeping it there throughout your exercise. The average Maltese office is designed to make you obese.

A couple of months ago there was a piece in The Times, all fawning admiration and ill-concealed hero-worship, about this Italian EU Representation employee who commutes to work from Birgu to Valletta in his inflatable kayak. The Times missed the essential point: he showers soon as he arrives in the office.

Hands up all those with a shower in their office building.