No. Mallia’s function would be that of standing guard (together with his privates, of course) outside the perimeter of the nudist beaches – thus ensuring that no clothed creature would enter the hallowed grounds.

The official ‘opening function’ would, of course, fall to his elder. i.e. the creature responsible for tourism,

Two of the proposed resorts are along the Coast Road. That’s all drivers need to cause more accidents whilst having a peek, missus permitting.

Since the main culprits were from continental Europe, the admonishment issued by these patrols was in a mish-mash of English, bad Italian and sign language in a shrill high pitched voice (tipo Astrid Vella).

Nevertheless, Mrs German continued to patrol the Sliema beach front and issue admonishments.

I know. There was a minor scandal when he started focussing on sexual topics: “nispjegaw l-uzu tal-vajbrejter”, as he put it.

He strikes me as a bit of a perv, what with his live opera-singing antics while kissing his guest’s hand (a woman, I hasten to add) and his cosmic energies.

How such a ludicrous, bombastic man could ever be granted a lawyer’s warrant is beyond me. The legal profession is not for loonies. But then this is Malta.

In the Xandir Malta years, he used to have an “agony aunt” show on TV.

What? He’s after his ounce of flesh too?