Perhaps a bespoke babygro?

The problem is: do you splash out on tailored suits when your size is constantly on the increase?

Which leads to another problem. If a short, stumpy, chubby person buys his shirts on the high street according to the neck size (what is our PM, an 18″ collar), then the rest of the shirt is going to be to that scale.

Check out those protruding cuffs.

Strange.

Baxxter reporting for duty.

As per my MO, I shall start from the top and work my way downwards.

1. That pate is confusing. Is our PM bald or not bald? It’s this sort of uncertainty that sends stock markets crashing and causes global economic crises. My suggestion is to be Alexandrian about it and take a razor blade to the Gordian knot, as it were. A good Merkur safety razor should do the trick. I found a couple in my grandfather’s old shaving mug in the attic recently. They saw action in North Africa and the Aegean, and are still as sharp as Daphne’s brain.

2. Why is the tie awry? Sprezzatura is one thing, but this is slovenliness.

3. That’s an interesting lapel pin. Is it the PM’s 3rd birthday?

4. Now for the pièce de résistance – the suit jacket. What’s going on here? The suit has grown by 4 inches since my last sartorial review. That is to say the wearer’s waist has grown, or appears to have done so, because the shoulders are 2 inches too wide. And the jacket should be shortened.

5. The shirt cuffs are too wide. I said show a bit of cuff, not use the cuff as a mitten.

6. The trousers appear to be cut low. Again. Look, I know something about being short-arsed, and if there’s something that makes us midgets look even worse it is low-slung trousers. Edward VIII came up to my kneecaps, but he wore trousers up to his armpits. Follow his example.

7. Are the shoes square-toed? If so, replace them. Otherwise the shine on them is fine.

8. Colours of suit, tie and shirt are fine.

Overall comment: The first thing that is noticed in a suit, before anything else, is the chest. That much is obvious, because a suit is essentially built around that V-shaped opening where the tie and shirt are framed by the lapels.

If you’re short and roundish, narrow lapels are sartorial suicide. Look at that lecherous midget Berlusconi, and learn. He must be about three foot nothing, and he has lapels like a highway, all the way to the shoulders.

It’s a magnificent sartorial trompe l’oeil, and makes him look like he has the V-taper and shoulders of Mr Olympia. Which makes him look powerful and manly. Which gets him support when the chips are down and the vote is taken. Which means he wins more often.

So: next summit, I want to see our PM wearing a jacket with wide lapels.