In Malta, this happens literally when one takes a piece of God’s land and figuratively when one accosts a political party and builds a castle inside its walls.

And the citizen outside is occasionally asked to stand up, march and vote.

I don’t mind paying bills, but I don’t like paying bills for others whether in Malta, Israel or Beijing.

Both Israel and Malta are depressing worlds to be in. Between them lies the same lie.

So, Muscat, your simple solution was to cut the supply and nobody will be stealing electricity any more. Just remove the supply cable.

Bot the government has now told them that the new rent is five hundred a year. Can somebody supply more information, please ?

Hello White Coat. I saw your interesting question and I thought I’d provide some tips.

PREPARATION: Time was when you would start everything by purchasing a pair of sturdy hiking boots. Since then, the government has kindly built surfaced roads to everywhere. SO just get in your car and drive until you find the best, most spectacular view ever. It will probably have magnificent sea views and be conveniently close to a beach, possibly smack bang in the middle of a (fancy that!) nature reserve. Note the spot and mark it with a used beer can.

EXECUTION: Over the next few weeks, you will drive a convoy of heavy vehicles to your chosen spot, carrying all manner of construction material. The stronger, the better. Remember: you are Maltese, and the Maltese take no shit, so you build for posterity. A man’s home is his castle and all that. Concrete, reinforced, is your material of choice.

Start small: a couple of bedrooms, a kitchen, a living room for you 40″ TV, and a patio (essential, this!). Find the closest power line and connect your abode to the grid once the roof is in place. One floor will do for now. Later, you can add more.

FINISHING TOUCHES: Dress down! Scruffy shorts and a baggy, torn wife-beater, flip-flops (barefoot is better) and a fat mother-in-law add ambience and transform your new home into what romantics call a “boat-house”.

Then just visit every Sunday, lay back in a deckchair and do nothing. Remember to turn on your TV (you will have installed a satellite dish) and watch Manchester United vs Whoeever. Set your TV to max. volume. You’re not doing things on the sly, remember. You are Maltese, you take no shit, and heqq m’ghandekx dritt tgawdi l-bahar bhal haddiehor?

CONCLUSION: Repeat this for about ten years and your new illegal sha—er, your home will be perfectly legal. De facto, if not de jure. A treasured family heirloom to hand to your offspring.

NOTE: If you’re unmarried, you will of course visit your new seaside resort with Ritienne/Ritienszczka, in which case the pool becomes indispensable, and the shorts and wife-beater are replaced by speedos (swimming trunks are so 90s), shades and not much else.

Again, it’s their fault. They should have asked to be on a Labour billboard before attempting to buy such property.

The installation of smart meters in boathouses is certification that the property is now regularised, no matter how much Muscat protests to the contrary.

Are you a prominent Laburist or switcher? If not, I would not advise it.