Read this and weep

Don’t just read reports of The Letter. Read the real thing below. But pour yourself a stiff whisky first.

5 November 2008

Senator Barack Obama
President-Elect of the United States of America

Dear Senator Obama,

It is with great joy that, on behalf of the Malta Labour Party and my own behalf, I extend to you our heartfelt congratulations upon your election as 44th President of the United States of America.

I am sure that with your election to the Presidency of the United States, the excellent relations existing between our two countries and our people will be further developed to strengthen the economic, social and cultural ties between our two nations.

On a political and, I must say, a personal level, your election makes historical news not only in your country but also for all of us, across the world, who believe in a multilateral approach to international issues in which Europe and the United States work in closer partnership and collaboration.

Your election is welcome news for all those who share our belief that environment and climate change are not just trendy topics for discussion but treat them as crucial issues of great importance for the well being of mankind.

Your election is welcome news for all those who believe that everyone, irrespective of social or economic background, should have the opportunity to succeed in one’s life.

Your election as President of the United States is indeed welcome news for all those, especially young women and men, who believe and hope in a change to a better way of doing things; a way that goes beyond outdated partisan and divisive politics.

For your great achievement, we owe you and all those who made your election possible, our heartfelt thanks and sincere gratitude. We wish you every success during your term of high office as President of the United States of America.

With best personal regards,

Yours sincerely,

Joseph Muscat
Leader of the Opposition
Leader of the Labour Party – Malta

Quote: “It is with great joy that, on behalf of the Malta Labour Party and my own behalf, I extend to you our heartfelt congratulations upon your election as 44th President of the United States of America.” This is where I lie down and cry. How in heaven’s name did this man get a doctoral degree from a British university when he can’t even structure the most simple sentence? There are so many extra words in that sentence, and so much complicated thinking, that I want to go at it with a pitbull-pencil. Somebody should take pity on the man and tell him that whatever he says or writes as leader of the Labour Party is automatically assumed to be the view of the party, and so he should NEVER say, above his signature as party leader “on behalf of the Malta Labour Party and my own behalf” – and that’s quite apart from the shockingly bad grammar. Imagine if every company signatory, writing a letter on a company letterhead and signing it off with his or her designation as the company’s representative, were to begin with the words “On behalf of Science Laboratories Ltd…”. Tal-biki.

And now here comes The Big One: “the excellent relations existing between our two countries and our people will be further developed to strengthen the economic, social and cultural ties between our two nations.” More horrible grammar and complicated thinking. A native English speaker would say: I trust that the relationship between the United States and Malta will continue to improve. Full-stop. Besides, if relations are excellent already, they cannot be improved. Nothing lies beyond excellence. Ah, but that Big One. Here it is: “our two countries”; “our two nations”. What a frigging moron. Lorry Sant, for all his general hideousness, had the common sense to realise that he knew nothing about table manners and took private coaching in which fork to use and when. Muscat should realise that nothing in his upbringing or his experience so far has trained him in protocol or formal social discourse and behaviour. He should seek lessons immediately. And no, I am not being sarcastic. I am serious. Only a fool imagines he can sail through life without learning the manners and mores that will smooth his path. In the meantime, I’ll give him a mini-lesson. Only heads of state make reference to ‘my country’. In Malta, that means the president, not even the prime minister, who can only make reference to ‘my government’ or ‘the Maltese government’ or just plain old Malta, but certainly not ‘my country’, unless it is in informal conversation or a casual address. “Our two nations” – another adviser should explain to him the difference between a nation and a state. Somebody else should point out the inherent ambiguity caused by poor grammar, a la Eats, Shoots and Leaves: which would those two nations and two countries be, that Joseph co-owns with Barack?

And then what about this? “Your election is welcome news for all those who share our belief that environment and climate change are not just trendy topics for discussion”. Imagine using the word ‘trendy’ in a letter of this nature. Imagine Sarkozy writing a formal letter to Gordon Brown and saying that something is ‘trendy’. Trendy. Not only is trendy a wholly unsuitable choice of adjective, but it went out with the ark. My mother last said trendy circa 1979, when we told her that if she ever breathed the word again, we would die of embarrassment and then she would be childless.

And now we come to the matter of ‘Dear Senator Obama…….Best personal regards, Yours sincerely.’ The two have never met. They have never been introduced. They don’t know each other from Adam. They are not political equals. One is about to become head of state, the other is not even a head of government, but head of a deadbeat party. Muscat should NOT have used Obama’s name. He should NOT have taken the liberty of sending his best personal regards because there is no personal relationship and he is out of order to assume one, and he should NOT have signed off ‘Yours sincerely’. There is a gentleman at the Ministry of Foreign Affairs who deals with these matters. Perhaps he can be persuaded to coach the Opposition Leader so that he no longer embarrasses himself. Or he can look a little closer to home: Sant knows about these things, and he also knows they matter.