Skulls and some very cross bones

Just as The People were tucking themselves in with a hot toddy after closing the case – as Astrid Vella put it – of The Great Museum Fiddle, so another controversy blew up just in time to save them from the tedium of dealing with life’s harsh realities. The hot toddies cast aside, The People rushed as one to the internet, there to make their voices heard about The Giant Jewish Conspiracy to Steal Our Bones.

In the on-line ‘hanut tat-te’ that is the comments-board of www.timesofmalta.com, The People were out in force, giving us their two-cents’ worth on what should be done with the bones in the 2,000-year-old Jewish tombs in Rabat. The frenzy began with a newspaper report about a delegation of American rabbis, a species known to the Maltese, and then only some, from Woody Allen films and a few episodes of Sex and the City – the ones in which Charlotte finally gets married for the second time, who are in Malta to demand a decent burial for the bones that were scattered about by grave-robbers centuries ago.

To my mind, the story had all the makings of a brilliant skit, but then maybe I’ve watched too much Woody Allen. Others thought differently. “How do we know that the bones are of a Jewish person?” enquired ‘l borg’, offended by the very notion that there might be Jewish bones in Malta, suggesting that they might be instead 2,000-year-old Roman Catholic bones, heavily disguised, perhaps by means of a wig and a false moustache. “Also what right do people from other countries have to tell us what to do with the remains of our people?”

He really got that ball rolling. Suddenly, the on-line ‘hanut tat-te’ was bustling. You could feel the pastizzi flakes even if you couldn’t see them. “So the Jewish community is very concerned that human remains, hundreds of years old, have not been buried,” wrote Joe Vassallo, with a lesson in international relations for the peregrinating band of United States rabbis. “I wish they showed a fraction of this concern for the living ‘dead’ – the population in Gaza, who their Jewish brothers have been bombing and starving to death.”

The discussion took an intellectual turn when a former cultural adviser to prime minister Alfred Sant put in with some elevated discourse and a high-brow tone. “The irony of it all is that both Mule and Stagno are Jewish Sicilian names,” wrote Frans Sammut. “I am sure the rabbis who visited Malta knew that and must have been struck by the irony of it all.” Well, hardly – they’re probably more accustomed to names like Burnstein, Goldstein, Goldberg, Rosen and Cohen, but one really doesn’t want to interrupt the author of Paceville when he’s in full flow and instructing his audience about frequently-used terms in literary criticism. “On second thoughts, it is not an irony but a dramatic irony. If you don’t know the difference, just look it up in a dictionary of literary terms.” Thanks, Frans, but we’ll pass on that.

Not to be diverted from age-old religious rivalry to more specious arguments on literary devices, a student called Julian Briffa put in to steer the debate back on course: “We live in a catholic country and to me that’s more important then Jewish bones!” If one of his lecturers is paying attention in class, he or she might wish to attend to this young man’s spelling.

Next up were some wise words on the philosophy of life, probably from one who studied at the university of life, where such great truths are best learned. “Nobody got nothing that he is going to keep in this world,” wrote Michael Neville Cassar. Heads nodding in all-round agreement, another sip from that ‘tazza tat-te’, and then it was time for some righteous indignation. “This delegation should depart Malta immediatley and also made personae non grata,” wrote Carmel Taliana. “This is our nation and our heritage from the time of our deliverance by the great of greats of saints St Paul (Magnus). Whether they are scattered or not let Malta Heritage to decide their fate and not some unknown foreign individual who presumably has no knowledge of the history of our nation.”

Inspired, Albert Muscat tried a wisecrack, with a clever pun on the first three letters of ‘assistance’: “Does tracing dead Jews bones require USA ASSistance?” The howls of laughter attracted Denis Catania, internet warrior against illegal immigration, all the way from his home in the US of A. “Do we have any direct family members of the dead??” he remarked, using multiple interrogation marks to signify to those who, unlike Frans Sammut, are unfamiliar with literary devices that his was a rhetorical question. “If not. The Maltese authority have the final say. Stop using religion to bully people around. Bones should not be scattered around no matter who they are. But the Jewish community from Israel and the US should stay out of it unless Jewish people are being physically hurt or killed in Malta. Which I have faith that will never happen in Malta.” Nobody wrote in to enquire of Mr Catania how he has succeeded in living in the United States from the age of 10 without learning much English, even in its American form, but somebody did ask him why he has a problem with the Jewish community in America butting in, when he clearly has no problem with the Maltese community in America doing the same.

James Dimech feared an incipient Jewish invasion, coming hot on the tail of the African invasion billed by Joseph Muscat in parliament, after a boat with 278 people on board put in to shore, as a national crisis. “In some time I’ll bet they will be building settlements in Rabat, saying that Rabat is some Jewish promised land by right. Send these guys off the island.” Joe Fenech smelled foreign interference, drew on his copy of Mein Kampf, and suggested a diplomatic solution to this impasse. In his excitement, he confused his exclamation marks with his interrogation marks. “Tell the Jewish community to go to Israel if they’re not happy?” he typed. “What? Are they going to be claiming things in Malta too? Why do Jews always want special treatment?”

Next came the turn of the historical revisionist. “No jewish community ever lived or existed in MALTA, except for the couple of families that came in 1939 to MALTA,” wrote joseph cachia zeitun. “The GOVERNMENT should and must appoint neutral experts (not EU proposed) to do a DNA test and whatever the result will officially inform all, that whether are bones or gold found on site belong to the STATE and the STATE of MALTA will decide further actions without any interference.”

And right on cue, the religious fundamentalist turned up. Miss Yvonne Demanuel Jr, who described herself in brackets as (Maltese, NZ, reading history), sagely remarked all the way from the other side of the world: “If that was up to me I would gather these so called Jewish remains and have them reburied in Israel where they belong. Malta is a Roman Catholic country and I’m sure St Paul would have agreed.”

Put out by the historical revisionists, the truth-seeker plunged in: “Some would be very surprised to know that a large percentage of the Maltese people are of Jewish descent,” wrote Guze Xerri. “Converted, some through the use of force and coercion, to the Roman Catholic faith.” All this bothersome talk of religion pulled in the token self-described atheist, with a challenging suggestion. “How about scattering the bones from the cemeteries where ‘Christians’ have been buried?”

But those who could not countenance any suggestion that Malta has not been Christian since St Paul were not to be derailed by a crass remark or two from an atheist. The infamous lgalea was on the scene immediately: “While agreeing that the bones should be respectfully buried, how do we know that they belong to Jews? Could not the cemetery have been used by other faiths?” Sadly, nobody rushed in to claim discovery of a Rosicrucian skull and some Christian Scientist femurs. But lgalea had more persistent questions for the authorities, gONZipn. “Who authorised the delegation to come to Malta to carry out their ‘official business’? Did they ask for permits?” He then went on to explore various possible causes of the Jewish diaspora: “Can anyone bear such arrogance? No wonder the Jews were expelled from a lot of cities and countries around the world throughout the centuries.”

Encouraged by such patriotism, a defender of the faith, Doreen Magro (student of religious knowledge), entered the fray: “My question is if the bones were of a Roman Catholic community would the Jewish dligation treat us the same way….I wonder? Just a question nothing less nothing more.” Unexercised by this question, Victor Vella barged in to demand reciprocity in bilateral relations: “They left them there since the beginning of the 19 century so why now? Secondly the so called experts came to Malta and expected that they do what they liked. I say one thing. The bones should be buried yes as these are the remains of humans but they should be buried under our terms. Besides when did Israel do anything for us Maltese?”

Inspired by Flimkien Ghal Ambjent Ahjar’s recent referencing of the old Cliff Richards hit, a power-to-the-people type flew in to dismiss institutional authority. “Typical Heritage Malta arrogance,” R. Caruana said, “thinking that everything in Malta belongs to it alone, rather than to the nation and its people.”

Joseph A. Borg thought that the debate needed to be widened a little: “Are you telling me that we should forfeit our responsibility to research and document this important historical site for a bunch of looney religionists? These things happen all the time. What should the British Museum do with Egyptian mummies?” Keep them in their glass cases, I would imagine, given that there are no loony religionists from the time of Cheops currently around to demand a decent burial beneath a pyramid or two.

The furore having reached a sort of peak, it was time for the Voice of Reason to enter stage right. “We Maltese invent polemics as if we don’t have enough problems already, “ wrote v. pulis. “At least some good came out of it. We got a lesson on maltese surname origins, another one on New Zealand and the Maoris and yet another on the ethnic maltese population in the middle ages. What no one wrote about is the origin of the jewish cemetery at the centre of the whole argument!”

The battle over the ancient Jewish bones has reached prime ministerial level. But the Office of the Prime Minister will not be moved to say anything other than that Heritage Malta is in talks with the Jewish community to “reinstate the archaeological skeletal remains at St Paul’s Catacombs.” All said, it was a highly satisfactory interim fuss to fill in the gap between the St John’s museum debacle and the upcoming trench warfare on the opera house ruins. Now back to those hot toddies.

This article is published in The Malta Independent today.