Jaqaw Joseph ghandu l-morliti?
Published:
September 15, 2010 at 10:00pm
What medical condition leaves a man of 37 unable to walk, stand or sit for any great length of time while being too embarrassed to call it by its name?
That’s right, folks: it’s haemorrhoids. Or as they are more commonly known, piles.
We’ve been looking for a plaster cast when all along we should have been poking about for a rubber ring secretly strapped to the inside of the seat of his pants.
Come on, Communications Boss Kurt. Tell us the truth. The People Deserve To Know.
We promise we won’t laugh. Promise. Cross our hearts.
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That’s brilliant. A reversal of roles is now in order: Joseph can lie in bed and look even more pathetic than usual while Michelle cleans his bleeding private parts and plays at being leader of the opposition. As liberal and progressive as one could possibly wish….
Mhux ta’ b’xejn spicca bla lehja, mela. Don’t they shave you before surgery?
Not anymore. And it’s not your face they’d need to shave when operating on your bottom, anyway.
Yes of course. For a moment there, I had the two confused.
Imma meta wiccek u s…..
If he is unable to walk, sit or stand for lengthy periods, then maybe he’d care to take a rest on one of these: http://www.apinkprincess.com/images/T/t-5567-4591.png
How do you explain his one week on a cruise liner? That’s the bit I don’t get – either he is a lazy git or a baby or a combination of the lot – but certainly not an ounce of humility in this ‘man’.
You are starting to sound shrill and hysterical again.
There must be a reason.
[Daphne – For shrill and hysterical, sugar-plum, tune in to Super One. We clearly don’t share a sense of humour. ‘There must be a reason’ – yes, I’ve run out of haemorrhoid cream.]
Oh my God I hope this is not true. I have blamed him all along for shirking his responsibilities on the pretext of a hairline crack and it turns out to be piles.
For the first time I sympathise with the poor sod and I take it all back. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy: taking a cruise with a bunch of grapes hanging out of his backside.
I broke the outer malleoulus (part of the ankle, in this case the right). It was a hair line crack. I spent six weeks in plaster, underwent physiotherapy, visited specialists and doctors, exercised it, wore special socks and bandages, gave it hot and cold treatment, creams and used crutches. I started to walk normally after ten months.
Nonetheless I went to work, crutches and all, after two months on sick leave.
A friend of mine, who is younger than Dr Joseph, twisted his ankle and spent five months home-bound.
Let’s hope Joseph gets well soon and hope he’s not experiencing the excruciating pain in his leg like we did.
[Daphne – Then perhaps men really are made of poorer stuff than women, because when I smashed my right wrist, underwent complicated surgery, and spent two months with a metal pin through it and a heavy plaster cast, I met the deadlines for three magazines and all my newspaper columns by typing with my left hand until 4am every day, and then woke up to do the housework and cooking, also with my left hand, and the only people who knew I was in plaster were those who saw me. I took painkillers and got on with it. Mind over matter and life goes on, end of story. And last year I had surgery under general anaesthetic and was back at my desk within four hours, wrapping up Taste for the waiting printers. A little nap and off we go.]
The goalkeeper Bert Trautmann broke his neck in an FA cup final and carried on playing. Our Prime Minister in waiting slipped while waltzing away during the August Moon Ball and reduced his diary to a TV interview and a cruise. What does that tell you about the man?
Get your finger out, Joseph.
Pull his finger out? It’s hardly likely to be in, given all those haemorrhoids.
If you don’t usually walk upside down on your hands, there is no weight-stress on your wrists.
[Daphne – Oh no? Try sitting at a desk and typing with a plaster cast that weighs half a ton. In desperation at the lack of speed in typing with one hand (I’m a touch-typist), I used to rip off the sling and thump away with my right as well. And this is not about weight stress. It’s about not making a fuss and getting on with it – a concept alien to Maltese culture, I’m afraid.]
Daphne , pain in the ankle would not let you move. I broke my wrist (the funny bone )some fifteen years ago , and I went to work after the plaster , the pain was different and less intense.
An eighty kilo weight on a cracked foot is no joke.
@ Gahan
Oh come on! I broke a metatarasal (that is one of the bones that you walk upon), kept on working, went to casualty 2 hrs after the accident, placed in plaster and the next day I was back to work with crutches.
The only thing that I couldn’t do was drive.
You not writing is equal to a snake not using his venom. For you Nationalists are saints and PL supporters are damned. Nice to have “opioninists” like you.
I find it strange that one is house bound for five months because of a twisted ankle. When I was much younger I still went to school with a plaster cast and crutches, and then later on in life when I busted my ankle again I still managed to go to work.
‘Then perhaps men really are made of poorer stuff than women’,
Why do you think women and not men give birth to children?
I’m sure Anthony Zammit would be able to rectify that little problem for Joseph, or are his hands tied?
Seeing how he has told us that he has seen the inside of one Labour leader already, poking about in the nether regions of another may even set a record.
I tore the lateral collateral ligament of my right ankle when I slipped off a narrow path in the Val Di Pejo. I tumbled ten metres down the mountain (Vioz) side. I was sixty years old then. I was helped down to the valley (two and a half hours).
I was in agony.
The next morning I asked my wife to slip a tight anklet over a black and blue ankle, took a couple of stiff analgesics and off I went. We did a relatively short six hour trek, with some discomfort, I must admit.
I returned to Malta twelve days and twelve long treks later and my ankle was improving.
I suspect that wimp, who was housebound for five months with a sprained ankle, must have been a gonzigovernment employee.
It’s “pull” your finger out
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mi5kXcc-TJ8&feature=related
“I have blamed him all along for shirking his responsibilities on the pretext of a hairline crack and it turns out to be piles.”
…or, maybe, the haemorrhoids problem here is exacerbated by his having a hairline crack…
I understand that one of the medications that can help with haemorrhoids is DAFlon.
Hemorrhoids, piles and Inspector Gadget – all a pain in the arse.
Michelle can tenderly rub some melted butter on Joseph’s morliti. That should do the trick. Insomma, hekk kienet tghid in-nanna.
http://www.timesofmalta.com/articles/view/20080628/local/meet-michelle-muscat
Ma, kemm ilha teqred dwar it-tqala u l-hlas. Qishom l-uniku nies li qatt kellhom baby fl-istorja tad-dinja. Xi dwejjaq ta’ nies.
“I was inspired to give interviews to all media outlets by two babies, born on the same day, from the same mother. Their mother had bled during pregnancy, and their father supported her through her difficult ordeal. Then the waters broke, Mario Vella said “I told you so”, and she was rushed to hospital while petards exploded in the background, and men of good will rejoiced around the world. I saw Palestinian jihadists hugging Israeli rabbis. I saw gnarled samurai warriors embracing Inuit grandmothers. I saw tall Masai herdsmen hand in hand with Congolese pygmies. Heaven and earth resounded with the sound of love. For the two babies were born.
Those babies were Étoile and Soleil.”
forsi stress miskin hux