Another guest post: 'My experience of divorce'
This piece was written by a Maltese man who I know well. He wishes to remain anonymous out of consideration to all those involved.
I got married in Malta 12 years ago when I was in my mid-twenties. While still living at my parents’ home I went through a series of poor, short-term relationships. At 23 I was still emotionally immature but I somehow found myself in a long-term relationship. After a couple of years together, marriage seemed like the next step and the ‘right’ thing to do.
We faced the same process most ordinary, young, Maltese couples go through: meetings with the parish priest; the Cana marriage preparation course; wedding planning; finding a marital home. The latter two involved large financial commitments.
A few months before the wedding I had serious doubts and called it off. But because of a severe lack of backbone when faced with a weeping fiancée, the fear of disappointing so many people – not least my parents – as well as the embarrassment and problems a break-up at this late stage would cause, I convinced myself that I had no choice.
I rationalised my decision and went ahead with the wedding. After two and a half years of marriage my father passed away and I was overcome by huge waves of emotion. Amid the turbulence, I found myself facing the stark reality of what I had done. I hadn’t married for love but for fear of being alone.
I was unhappy and my wife was clueless about my feelings. I felt trapped but eventually found the courage to tell her how I felt. The marriage ended within days and there was no going back.
Without love there was no foundation to the marriage and nothing to save. I had made a grave mistake and a period with a marriage counsellor unravelled many suppressed feelings and negative patterns in my behaviour.
After securing a legal separation – and in the absence of divorce – we began proceedings for a Catholic annulment, firmly believing that our marriage was flawed from the start, considering my motives and psychological state at the time. Although, at the time, remarriage was not the first thing on my mind, I couldn’t possibly know if I would eventually meet someone with whom I would want to settle down, in a proper marriage, and start a family.
My ex-wife would have wanted that option too. Annulment was the only way available in Malta to the keep this possibility open to both of us.
After nearly five years of Catholic tribunal proceedings, it was decided that there were no grounds to have the marriage declared null. We were told that nobody had forced me into the marriage and that when I married I was of sound mind.
I sincerely doubt they had any idea what state my mind was in, despite various testimonies at the tribunal demonstrating my behaviour in the run-up to the wedding (the break-up, cynical debates on the meaning of love, fatalistic comments on the wedding day) and the marriage counsellor’s psychological profile.
These men decided the marriage was valid and therefore unbreakable. They were wrong: the marriage was not only broken – it was a complete write-off. My ex-wife and I had already been separated for nearly five years by then. The current system left me with two choices – I could have remained alone, unhappy and childless for the rest of my life or, alternatively, I could have chosen to co-habit and have children without marrying their mother. And my then wife was in a similar situation, of course.
I found work in London and moved there, seeking a fresh start. A few years later, my ex-wife’s career brought her to the United Kingdom, too. By the time the Catholic tribunal in Malta told us what had been decided about our marriage, we were living separate lives there. She immediately filed for divorce. Within a few months, as residents of the UK, we were both released from our marriage contract. We could now live fulfilling, happy and fruitful lives.
My ex-wife now has a family and the relationship I could never give her. Having grown emotionally and learned a lot more about myself, I met the most wonderful woman and we are now happily married, in a beautiful home, starting a family.
The absence of divorce in Malta would have denied my ex-wife and me this happiness, and pointlessly so. We didn’t even have children.
I don’t claim that filing for a divorce should be an easy decision or that it should be a simple process. When children are involved, I can see how the situation may be more complex.
But the separation process is very painful whether you have children or not. It is painful not just for those in the marriage, but for their families, too – and this with or without divorce. Our divorce itself hurt absolutely nobody and damaged nothing. On the contrary, it has brought happiness to countless people in my life and to my ex-wife and her family.
———–
“Those who talk most about the blessings of marriage and the constancy of its vows are the very people who declare that if the chain were broken and the prisoners left free to choose, the whole social fabric would fly asunder. You cannot have the argument both ways. If the prisoner is happy, why lock him in? If he is not, why pretend that he is?” – GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
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This post appeared on the timesofmalta.com.
Mr M Borg
Today, 19:42
Women wake up do not let men control your life ! Think of yourselves and of your children. Your unfaithful husband can divorce you even if you do not want.
You will be made to live your old age begging from your children and Government because with divorce you lose widow’s pension.
I mean . . . . (scream!)
Yet again, lying for Jesus.
The very same M Borg said that when a mother gets custody of a child, she is the loser. Bat shit crazy.
He also refers to children of divorced parents as “former children”.
I wonder what they become. Martians, perhaps?
My children and my own little children, I ask you to take seriously this calling that I am making
you tonight. You have a few days left to reflect. Do not permit others to deceive you.
Why this pro-divorce propaganda? Is it that you have become very smart? Or is it that you are now grown up and
have greater know-how than before?
My children, join up together within one cry: “No! No to divorce! No to divorce!” It is not true that by means of divorce a new life begins – it shatters the family from the very foundation.
Thank you for having listened to my call.
The Lady of Borg in Nadur; 25th May 2011; message given at Borg in-Nadur, B’Bugia.
Why not erect a big screen at Borg in-Nadur and go for Skype-to-Skype video calling?
‘message given at Borg in-Nadur’ from who to whom? Do tell.
What does “The Lady of Borg in Nadur” mean by “my children and my own little children? Does Jesus have any brothers and sisters no one told us about?
Better second-guess that, Kenneth – I think Jesus’ brothers and sisters are actually mentioned somewhere in the Bible but I need someone much more knowledgeable than me to say where.
Does anyone really give a toss about the ramblings of some lady in Borg in-Nadur?
What daft people, honestly…
Why, would you believe it if it was the ramblings of Minister Tonio Fenech?
God is omnipresent, and so is his mother. The one at Borg in-Nadur is an impostor. It is blasphemous to believe what she says, more so to repeat it and lead others down the blasphemous path to hell.
If they are both omnipresent, then they must be in Borg in-Nadur as well, hence not an impostor.
This is rich coming from a married woman who was still a virgin when she had a child by someone other than her husband.
Ginger, That is true, but that would only qualify her for annulment under the rules of the Church and Maltese civil law, and she still would not be able to marry the father of the child, who had a son, but had no wife.
[ciccio2011 – Ginger, That is true, but that would only qualify her for annulment under the rules of the Church and Maltese civil law]
Not necessarily.
[ciccio2011 – and she still would not be able to marry the father of the child, who had a son, but had no wife].
Why not?
And who ever said she was married to Joseph!? Indications are that she was not……unless we swallow everything the LE crowd throw at us!
In reply to your comment: it seems that all of a sudden this is an embarrassment to the church since for the last few week the church in malta has been referring to St. Joseph as Mary’s wedded husband.
I am not being sarcastic or trying to ridicule the church but I couldn’t help noticing the difference.
I think the moderator must have nodded off when uploading some of these insulting and offensive posts. Some people are venting their spleen with anti-clerical and anti-Catholic faith comments and if I had any doubts (which I did not have) how I was going to cast my vote tomorrow, these comments have reinforced my decision.
To quote from your yesterday’s blog:” They are the odd-balls, the strange fish, and the ‘camp’. Their views are abnormal, unacceptable and unaccepted in a non-isolationist context, weirder than the Rosicrucians.”
I think that “the odd-balls,the strange fish, and the “camp” ” have taken over your blog to make fun and offend the religious beliefs of others. Up till a few days ago the discussion was healthy and constructive without being offensive, but these comments are the pits.
[Daphne – Why are they the pits? Do you dispute the fact that people who can’t understand why divorce legislation is necessary are a curiosity? Or do you think it’s normal?]
Ginger, you might be an agnostic or atheist or whatever – it’s your prerogative. However, insulting and demeaning references to Our Lady do not make your arguments any stronger, to me it just shows how intollerant you are.
In my childhood the phrase Mawmettu Hanzir was often spoken. Nowadays you never ever hear it. We have come to respect other peoples’ beliefs – up to a point. We all have a lot to learn.
By the way I shall be voting Yes.
Jo, how is Ginger being demeaning, intolerant or insulting? He has just described the state of affairs as it appears in the gospels. Get off your self-righteous horse and stop being so childishly touchy. Intolerant indeed!
I don’t think our Prime minister knows what the Lady of Borg in-Nadur said about divorce.
It was reported that he said that eventually divorce will come to Malta. My question: If it is now against the preaching of Christ, won’t it be still so in a couple,or more years time?
“L-inqas li temmen f’dawn id-deheriet hija il-Knisja” – Mons. Lawrence Gatt Kancillier tal-Kurja (f’laqgha personali).
Is this Borg in-Nadur thing for real? I mean are there people who are actually being taken in by that ugly charlatan and his scam?
Yes there are…too many. And the fault falls squarely on the Maltese Curia. They have proof that Angelik is a charlatan, and yet, they refuse to make any public pronouncement to that effect.
Was Mary ta’ Borg in-Nadur married? Please! This is a civil right and nothing else. I’m constantly reminded of Portrait of the artist! Malta in 2011 ! Keeping Daedalus alive
The story above is a perfect example of why divorce should be legalized in Malta. Thanks to that gentleman who shared his story with us, and thanks to you, Daphne, for posting it.
Hope the hypocrites will read this story. Many people are in the same boat like this gentleman and his ex had been.
I think we’re all missing one very important point. This is a consultative referendum, meaning that the government is not fettered by virtue of the decision of the electorate. Furthermore the smaller the majority, assuming a vote in favour of divorce, would bolster the government’s resolve to a parliamentary vote against.
There will be all talk of not having a clear mandate etc.. etc…
And if anyone here thiks that there really will be a free vote on this, you’re all very much mistaken. At least, that’s the information I’ve got!
I am very sorry to say, it is not the absence of divorce in Malta that would have denied you and your wife happiness.
In this case, it is pure immaturity on your behalf, and it was you that brought all this on yourself, since you did not have the courage to do what was right..
Some people need to realise that marriage is serious and give it the amount of thought that it requires. It is not a matter of making others happy, but of making yourself happy. I cannot understand how some persons go through with marriage even if they have doubts, as described above, and that no family members realised his state of mind and sat down with him and talked him out of it.
In this comment, I am not questioning divorce, but simply the author’s choice to blame his responsibility, or lack of it, on the lack of divorce in Malta.
Well, you never know. If our Finance Minister ever becomes party leader and prime minister, this charlatan at Borg in-Nadur will probably be appointed his closest advisor, PA or Deputy Prime Minister.
When there are no children involved there is no problem because your actions only help/harm yourselves. But when there are children involved it is a whole different ball game and parents have to behave like responsible adults that they are (or should be).
So much talk about the pros and cons of divorce, seperation annulment, sticking it out for better or for worse etc. and yet so relatively little about vulnerable offspring and their long term needs …. which I believe should be given serious consideration BEFORE one contemplates begetting children. That is why I set up this page:
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Vulnerable-Minors-First/116716155078062
Feel free to contribute your opinions and share any good ideas and practices on how best to protect children’s long term needs.
Miniex kbir daqs il-Madonna biex inwaqqa’ ghac-cajt kliem il-Madonna. Il-Madonna hi l-Mama’ ghaziza taghna lkoll u hi biss tixtiqilna l-gid. Ghalhekk, b’umilta’, ghandna naghtu widen ta’ kliemha, ninzghu mis-suppervja u l-opinjonijiet tal-bravi u nobduha. Fl-interess taghna. Ta’ uliedna. Ta’ pajjizna li ma jdumx ma jaghti ezempju lid-dinja. Grazzi, ma, ta’ kollox.
L-ewwel irridu nkunu nafu x’qed tipprova tghid il-Mummy, Carmel. Ghax hlief frazijiet inkoerenti b’Ingliz imfarrak imtella’ fuq website m’ahniex naraw.
“Ta’ pajjizna li ma jdumx ma jaghti ezempju lid-dinja.”
So it is true that Malta will reinvent the wheel. Hooray
A clear case of CONSENSUAL divorce, not JPO divorce! Thankyou, Daphne.
exactly, this article is irrelevant since the JPO propsed divorce is unilateral and not consensual. The IVA keep ignoring this fact. The party at fault can just as easily divorce the innocent party with just one short email.
It is to me clear that the no to divorce movement is clutching at straws. At the initial stages of the campaign, the “no camp” reason was all about moral high ground washed-up with severe doses of bible-bashing.
Now however, and only now, they have gone into the economic argument, about the inability for divorced persons who choose to re-marry, to provide adequate maintenance to their first and second families.
We are now told that a man (never mind the bread-winner stereotype earnign EUR 1000 a month) is unable to maintain his first and second wife and thatthe ability to re-marry is a catalyst to poverty.
What ever happened to the argument, about capricious re-marriage, and divorce at whim? So is this a tacit admittance of the commitments and financial disincentives to remarriage? How the “no camp” has not spotted this manifest inconsistancy is beyond me – the mind boggles
Yes, Borg In-Nadur! What a farce! My soon-to-have-her-holy-communion daughter came home last week with a slip of paper and quotes from Borg in-Nadur.
During one particular Sunday mass our priest gave out the ‘avvizi’ – “ghall-mizzewgin u l-gharajjes stedina ghall-afternoon tea u bingo”. My 7 year old daughter who knows Maltese and English perfectly asked me – “Mum in which category do you fall – you are not married, you are not engaged or have a boyfriend – are you nothing?”
Well, it got me thinking – having a child out of wedlock, having her baptised behind closed doors, fighting for her father’s name on her baptism form to get her as ‘father known’ instead of father unknown, and all by myself and my family to help – I finally told her – ‘Don’t worry, qalbi – I am your Mum and that is all that matters.’
Have a feeling the “no” camp will win…by hook and by crook, obviously, as they it’s the only way they can.
Gonzi will ignore a Yes anyway.
http://bisserjeta.hsara.com/2011/05/gozitan-sheep-launch-new-divorce-movement/
http://bisserjeta.hsara.com/2011/05/unesco-declares-maltese-family-%e2%80%98world-intangible-heritage/
Ah, the memories
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B94lP-fZyLk
Hello Daphne. A Barcelona player told us he likes reading your blog http://bisserjeta.hsara.com/2011/05/breaking-champions-league-final-postponed-due-to-referendum/
In a few years time it will be easier to unload one’s partner of 25 years then an employee who one would have employed just a week before.
The law in Malta is senseless, your spouse can throw you out after 25 years of marriage with just a text message, with no reason, no notice and with no compensation. With divorce this will be even more cruel.
[Daphne – Rubbish. Neither spouse can ‘throw the other out’ of the marital home, even if s/he owns it 100%. And no matter what the other spouse has done.]
Well mine did. Very easily done with the right lawyer. And I did absolutely nothing, my spouse was the cheater, and the abuser. Where does that leave me? How do I get to see my toddler? Have you thought this one through? Please vote NO.
[Daphne – You’re inventing stuff. Aren’t you the one who had seven children, three years ago?]
Interesting quote from Shaw. However we must say that marriage is an act where people willingly lock themselves in just in case a future thought of running away ever occurs in their mind.
Nobody is locking them in their prison. Society is just returning the compliment of taking their vows seriously.
This guy and his ex-wife did not worsen things with children. They were ‘responsible’ .
If future divorce cases were clearcut like this one than IVA would win today’s referendum hands down.
Even if we opt for some form of consensual divorce, there would be husbands threatening their wives or vice versa to sign on the dotted line.
Today we won’t be voting on this form of divorce. The question is specific and is for a ‘no fault’ divorce.
Some years ago a colleague handed out his wedding invitations and just a few days before D day he did the manly thing and told his bride-to-be that he had fallen in love with someone else (a work colleague). They cancelled the wedding.
Marriage counsellors helped the couple take the decision. No need to tell you how his poor girlfriend felt. She was on medication for the next few years, and he lost a lot of friends because of what he did.
I cannot understand how this guest post writer was influenced by the death of his father, regarding his marriage.
[Daphne – Because the death of a parent who has not lived his/her natural lifespan (and even the death of one who has) churns up all manner of emotions, and makes us reassess ourselves. At least that is what I have noticed.]
exactly, this referendum is about a NO-FAULT divorce, very different from a reponsible, consensual divorce as agreed by the couple in this article. Please vote NO. I am in favour of divorce and will vote YES if a future referendum question is worded “Do you agree with a FAULT or CONSENSUAL divorce?”
I went through the same experience as this young man.
The difference was that in the first couple of years of my disastrous first marriage I had two children.
Although my ex remained in Malta I was still able to get a divorce while in the UK for a short while, thanks to which I was able to remarry and enjoy over 30 years of a happy and lasting relationship.
I have maintained my commitment to my children ever since. They returned under my (our) wings in no time at all.
I would rather not give an account of my experience with the Catholic tribunal in Malta. It was a disgrace.