I was asked to write some chapters for the 2012 edition of Id-Delfin – sorry, Denfil – so here goes
SHENISENNE U KRAFTON JO
Shenisenne kienet fil-kcina mal-mami, taghtiha daqqa t’id iddahhal il-frozen pizza fil-majkrowejv.
“Frozen pizza!” qalet il-mami ta’ Shenisenne, waqt li qacctet il-kaxxa biex tarmiha fil-borza tar-risajklink, halli ma tergax taqla hasla minn Gorg tal-kunsill.
“Dak isem tal-genn! Jew dak isem tal-genn! Issa la nixtri tarbija ohra, hekk insemmuha. Mela Jetaime. Dak x’isem hu, minghaliha taf bit-Taljan dik Ritienne ta’ Nancy. Imma jekk ikun tifel, nahseb ahjar ikun Frozen Pizzo ghax l-girien jahsbu li hu wiehed minn dawk il-gejs. Mhux ghax hemm xi haga hazina ta. Ara z-ziju Tommy kemm mar tajjeb minn fuq dak il-wiehed Ingliz li kellu. U forsi ahjar hekk ghax ikollu gopp lest. Tghid ma jdahhlux Jason Micallef mat-tim li ghandu tas-Super One? Specjalment jekk jaghmel fulbodiweks ghand Natius Ola tas-sindku taz-Zurrieq.”
“Ma,” qalet Shenisenne, waqt li omma kompliet tredden dwar li-spexjaloffers li Natius Farrugia ghandu fuq it-tnehhija tax-xaghar, nejlart, tkabbir tas-sider u permanent mejkup li qrat dwarhom fuq il-Facebook tieghu. “Il-pizza qed tinharaq.”
Qabdet kopja ta’ L-Orizzont u b’wicc Toni Zarb fethet il-forn u harget il-kwatrostagoni bil-krimentmaxxrums. “Ha ha ha!” dahket il-mami ta’ Shenisenne. “Attenta, Sher, ghax dak jiekolulek f’gidma wahda. Mur zommu.”
Dak il-hin stess dahal Krafton Jo, hu Shenisenne, imma mhux ezatt ghax ghandhom il-mami biss l-istess u d-deddi differenti. Il-mami kella zewg partners u issa ghanda iehor Sirjan ghas-Sibtijiet u l-Hdud u wiehed Malti mizzewweg ghal siegha bejn ix-xoghol u d-dar mit-Tnejn sal-Gimgha. Imma issa xebghat u qed tahsiba biex taqleb lizz.
“Stajt ghajjatli biex tghidli li se taqleb l-ikel, ja bima mnixxfa,” Krafton Jo qal lil ohtu. Omm Shenisenne u Krafton Jo ma haditx pjacir tisma dan id-diskors. “Jaqaw kont ma’ dak l-gh*** il-l**a l-A**a ta’ missierek, kemm gejt titkellem hazin?” qaltlu. “Ara l-Mad***ecc ma nergax nisimghek tghid dan it-tip ta’ diskors ghax naqbad dil-pizza u ndamdnek biha.”
Krafton Jo ntefa fuq is-sufan, xeghel il-fletscrintivi u ntilef f’loghba bejn il-Mencesterjunajtid u Leverpul, waqt li kiel il-pizza tant tajba u bnina. Shenisenne halliet nofs il-bicca taghha ghax bhalissa ghadejja fazi enoreksik bl-ghan li tinzel sajzsiks u ssir is-sindku ta’ Hal Qormi.
“Majtezwel niekolha jien,” qal Krafton Jo, u rega ntefa fuq is-sufan b’ flixkun litru ta’ Funky Cola minghand il-Lidl. F’daqqa wahda splodiet id-diska Its Maj Lajf ta’ Bon Jovi. Kien is-smartfown ta’ Krafton Jo.
“Aw!” qal Krafton Jo. “Aw!” qallu siehbu Johnny Blaze Cassar. “Ohtok hemm jew?” Johnny Blaze kien iffissa f’Shenisenne. “Shen!” ghajjat Krafton Jo, mohhu biex jehles minn Johnny Blaze u jkompli bil-loghba. “Hawn il-Blejz ghalik!”
Shenisenne kienet fit-tojlitt, tipprova taqla dik l-imbierka pizza. Ma haditx pjacir. Il-Blejz ma tiffansjahx. Tixtieq xi wiehed hot bhal per ezempju Silvio Parnis, ikbar minna sew u b’hafna flus u ta’ posizzjoni hajkless u importanti. “Ghidlu biex imur jiehdu f’***xx il-***a t’ommu!” ghajtet Shenisenne minn wara l-bieb imsakkar. “Ghax ma jmurx jittanta l-dik iz-ziemel ta’ Macyleen, forsi iggibu sew?”
Lestiet mil-pizza, hadet xower, ghamlet il-mejkup u blowdraj, libset il-bwiez bojod u tanga taht il-Miss Sixty jeans, u telqet ghax-xoghol. Shenisenne tahdem bhala lepdunser fl-iSteam, gentilmensklabb ta’ Frankie Grima, habib kbir ta’ dak l-avukat ta’ sittin sena li kellu tewmin ma’ Russa u li gie jitlob il-vot ta’ omm Shenisenne u Krafton Jo il-bierah stess.
To be continued (if I feel like it).
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Thank you, thank you, thank you. I couldn’t stop laughing – please, please continue…. I am sure you will feel like it.
“Qabdet kopja ta’ L-Orizzont u b’wicc Toni Zarb fethet il-forn…”
In keeping with the spirit… You burst me, Defni.
Then there’s the other Maltese:
Lis-Sinjura Daphne Caruana Galizia ta’ Il-Bidnija, l/o Mosta:
Bil-prezenti skrittura konsenjata lill-persuna tieghek huwa kwistante dikjarat rikors legali fuq akkuza ta’ plagjarizmu lilek mis-Sur Baxxter, Hans Peter ta’ Hamburg l/o Germanja. Il-kwerelant jirreferi ghall-artiklu intitolat “SHENISENNE U KRAFTON JO”, liema novella huwa dikjarat mill-kwerelant li dehret f’antologija ta’ novelli publikata precedentament, Il-kwerelat/a huwa/hija mitlub/a tirrendi/jirrendi ruhu/ruhha fil-Prim Awla tal-Qorti Civili fid-data sottostanti, liema data tista’ tigi emendanta stante digriet mill-Prim Imhallef tal-Prim Awla.
Iffirmat
Dr. Giuseppe sive Joe Borg-Bartolo, B.A. Legal & Humanistic Studies (Melit.), Dip. Not. Pub. (Melit.), LL.D. (Melit.), LL.M. (Melit.), Mag. Jur. (Bruges)
[Daphne – I’d love to write one about this sort of person in their language, but by definition it would be turgid and unreadable.]
Not to nit-pick but a kwerelant wouldn’t send a rikors legali – a rikorrent would send a rikors (li qatt ma jkun “legali” u l-kwerelant jibghat “kwerela”.
So how does one ‘jirremetti bir-rispett quddiem il-qorti’ ?
Hepiijster.
And what is an “intimat”? Is it one who sleeps with the magistrate?
@ Baxxter – I know of one Joseph Borg Bartolo, also a lawyer, and he most certainly would NOT write like that. Having said that, I do get the gist of what you mean.
Woops. Looks like however hard you try, you can never create a completely fake name.
[Daphne – Yes, I’ve known Joseph Borg Bartolo since childhood and he’s definitely not one of that lot.]
Guess who writes his letters to MEPA just like that.
Clue – ex-mayor, ex-husband, architect, law student, hangs on to the back of a bus.
Daphne, can you tinker with the message and change the name to “Emmanuele sive Emmy Bezzina” and add “High Priest (Grade 1) Baha’i International Karma Brotherhood” to the titles?
Ex-husband? Tghid jerga jizzewweg issa, la ghandu c-cans?
Simple. Emy Bezzina.
Hahahaha.
Daphne, you’re absolutely brilliant! Today I’m feeling a bit unwell so I needed this – I can’t stop laughing.
Thank you and keep them coming.
I’ve even seen Zalesishia plastered across a Hyundai Accent windscreen. It was very probably the name of the owner/driver.
The “resident passenger”/boyfriend’s name was K/Cayden or one of these newfangled names. I know because it was stuck right there, next to “Zalesishia”.
Brilliant. Keep going please!
Insejt lir-Rapunzel.
Loved this “novella” enormously. It should be awarded the “premju kittieba tas-sena tutawsintandtwelf (2012)”
I absolutely loved “to be continued (if I feel like it)”.
But I wonder who “Il-Blejz” has been inspired by”.
[Daphne – Oh, I just happened to watch Nicholas Cage in Ghost-Rider and thought it was only a matter of time.]
There are no Shenisenne on facebook, I could not be arsed to look up her brother.
Ghandha cans Shenisenne! Ilbierah Silvio Parnis lemhuh jimbotta mara anzjana sew fis-siggu tar-roti Mater Dei,
It’s no secret that our Silvio likes Older Women…….but not the Mrs Robinson type.
He likes them much, much older, possibly in a wheelchair or bedridden, and in possession of some bicca art fejn tista tibni mezonettes.
You made my day. Up till now my day was horrible. Thank you and I wish you and your family a Happy Easter.
[Daphne – To you, too.]
I’m pretty sure it’s “frowzin” not “frozen”.
[Daphne – Yes, if you pronounce it in English. But in Maltese, it’s pronounced exactly as it’s spelled here: the English pronunciation of fraw-zen (as in Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.]
For another piece of contemporary writing (free of political innuendos) I recommend the following blog post http://bloggfazola.blogspot.com/2012/03/il-arga-tas-sibt-filgaxija-kapitlu-i.html?m=1
good read, good laughs :D
i especially like this one haha http://bloggfazola.blogspot.com/2012/04/qwiel-u-idjomi.html
Thank you, Daphne, for simplifying politics for the classroom. It’s about time the new generation found out how the government has reduced us to eating frozen pizza. I have to get my copy of the Defnil 2012 when it comes out.
Now I have to go – I’ve got some hobz bin-nuxella waiting for me.
Nice. You captured it to a tee. Thank you.
I found this patronising, racist, full of class discrimination, vaguely humorous.
This has to be continued.
Good one, Daphne!
jekk il-frozen pizza daħħlitha fil-majkrowejv, kif ħarġitha mill-forn?
[Daphne – Originarjament kienet fil-forn, imma l-microwave taghti izda lok ghal spelling interessanti. U insejt inbiddel it-tieni wahda…]
Ma nistax nifhem kif L-ewwel kienet gol majkrowejv il-pizza, u kif spiccat tinharaq gol-forn?
Anyway, you made my day, Daphne :)
I’ll be waiting for the 2012 Denfil!
Happy Easter to you and your family.
mara kbira int!
This story has a contemporary flavour which says a lot about the standard of education in today’s Malta.
Wish ‘id-Denfil’ of my time had some intersesting chapters like that. Imagine Bro Oscar reading ‘jiehdu f’***xx il-***a t’ommu!” ghajtet Shenisenne ‘
Perfect. Love it.
What a good read. Not sure Shenisenne could afford the Miss Sixty jeans though.
[Daphne – Why not? She works.]
That’s true but something tells me that someone like Shenisenne would wear the fake Monti ‘Miss Sexy’ version…
Dear Daphne, please give us another chapter of Denfil 2012; I liked reading it so much that it made my day. I want!