The New Family and the Condominium Union: a fairy tale for Maltese people, by the third brother Grimm

The Fat and Greedy Henchman of the Chief Joey

This was sent in by a reader with the following note:

I was thinking to myself that the number of people (mostly Labour supporters) who think this passport sale thing is a good idea is still far too high. And then it dawned on me, they need a fairy tale. Because like very young children, they haven’t yet developed a refined sense of good and evil, ethics, justice and democracy.

So anyway, here’s my fairy tale to help the big Maltese children understand the issue. Unfortunately, like other fairy stories by the brothers Grimm, it doesn’t have a happy ending.

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THE NEW FAMILY AND THE CONDOMINIUM UNION

Once upon a time there was a block of flats, and they were owned and rented by a group of different families, most of whom only had some slight connection to each other and had possibly not been the best of friends in the past. Some had even been mortal enemies.

As time went by, these families began to see the advantages of sharing resources and being generally nice to each other as a way not to ever quarrel again, and got really friendly. So friendly, in fact, that although they kept the front door of the block locked, they started to leave the doors to their individual flats unlocked.

Everyone came and went to and from all the flats as they pleased. They even shared some of their resources. So for instance, if one family had a problem because Mummy wanted to watch the tennis and Daddy wanted to watch the football, Daddy would just walk into one of the other flats, turn on the TV and start watching the match.

Fridge full? No problem, use your neighbour’s. Made too much food? Hand it over to one of the others. From time to time, one flat owner needed help from the others and they all pitched in and gave a hand, whether it was something as simple as babysitting the children, or actually redecorating the flat. Nobody fought anymore.

It was such a great and tight relationship, that you could almost call it a union. After a while, people began to call it that, so it became known as the Condominium Union. The families living there began to be known as the Original Families.

Other families living outside the Condominium Union heard about this happy state of affairs, and they were jealous. They started clamouring to come and live there because it was better than living Outside. But sadly there was no space for them.

Then the Original Families had a great idea. They decided to build some more flats on top of the building and let some of the poor families living Outside come in and live in them. Not only will we allow you to come and live here, but we’ll also help you, they told them. If you can’t afford to convert the flat from shell to fully finished, we’ll give you a hand, and then once you’re on your feet and you’ve fitted in, when the time comes, you’ll be able to lend a hand to other families too.

All you have to do is follow our Condominium Union Rules, and we’ll make some exceptions for you until you’re really capable of observing them all.

So it came to pass that there was one such family which was not as well off as the families living in the Condominium Union, but this family was a little confused. Most of this family wanted to move into the Condominium Union with the Original Families, and they were known as The Others, but one part of the family, known as the Joeys, really didn’t like it.

It was never really clear why, and in the end since there were more of The Others than there were Joeys, the Joeys grudgingly agreed that the family should accept the invitation from the Condominium Union and move in, along with other groups of poor families, and they all began to be known as the New Families.

So this New Family moved in from Outside and began decorating the flat, with The Others in charge, and with the help of all the Original Families, and the flat started to look very nice. Because the Original Families were so kind, this New Family stopped being so badly off and life began to improve. Of course they had to work hard and make some sacrifices. But it paid off and their lives really got much better.

Then some strange things started to happen. For a start, the Joeys seemed to be the people who were taking most advantage of all the Original Families’ kindness, even though they had wanted to stay Outside instead of joining the Condominium Union.

Also, the Joeys kept reminding some of The Others to drink a lot of coffee, which of course they had to smell first. All this coffee helped convince them that really it had not been such a good idea to join the Condominium Union, and that the Original Families weren’t being kind enough.

They became convinced that this was the fault of The Others, and soon everyone forgot that The Others had got them into this nice Condominium Union in the first place and that they had worked to make things better while the Joeys protested and fought against all the changes.

Then suddenly, there were more Joeys than there were The Others, and the Joeys began to take all the decisions on behalf of the New Family.

So The Others got very, very sad, and they cried and cried and cried, and for a very long time they just ran around in circles crying and didn’t know what to do, even though they drank a lot of coffee. The Others who had changed their minds and become Joeys were known as Switchers. So now this is really the story of The Others, the Joeys, and the Switchers.

But from the start, something was not quite right with the Joeys. Everyone knew they really weren’t very good at anything, even the Switchers knew really, so they must have had help from someone Outside when it came to convincing the Switchers, and everyone called these helpers the Bad Company.

Anyway, it turned out that there were still many other poor families who wanted to live in the Condominium Union, but the Joeys didn’t like this. They conveniently forgot that they had agreed that they would help other poor families when they were better off, and stamped their feet and insisted that these poor families should all go and live with the Original Families and the other New Families in THEIR flats and share THEIR coffee.

The Original Families smelled the Joeys’ coffee and said they’d go away and think about it, but really they were quite angry because they felt they’d been so kind to this New Family and this was really quite ungrateful behaviour. And the Others told the Switchers “See, we told you so”, but the Switchers were very, very quiet.

In the meantime, as expected by The Others but not by the Switchers, it turned out that the Joeys had no real idea how to run the New Family. All they really knew how to do was whine and complain and make people smell and drink lots of coffee they didn’t need.

One thing they were good at was making sure that Joeys and Switchers and their children had lots and lots and lots to eat. When The Others protested, they were punished for being negative. So one day the Joeys hit upon an idea which had really been suggested to them by the Bad Company before the Joeys took charge of the New Family.

“I know what we’ll do”, exclaimed the Joey-in-chief. “We’ll make copies of the key to the front door to the Condominium Union building, and sell them to Rich and Talented Families who live outside the Condominium Union. They’ll be very happy, because they’ll have the free run of all the flats belonging to the Original Families and the other New Families. Even though these Rich and Talented Families are strangers, we won’t tell the other families their names, we’ll just sell them the key. We’ll go to a man, who will be called the Ironmonger, to make copies of the keys. And while we’re at it, we’ll ask the Ironmonger whether he approves of the Rich and Talented Families buying the keys he’s cutting. And then we will pay him to sell these new keys to the Rich and Talented Families he has chosen.”

So the Joey-in-chief got very excited and announced this new plan at the next Family Council. But he didn’t want any more trouble then necessary, so he kept secret the fact that he planned also to sell or give some keys to the Condominium to the Bad Company. But The Others guessed and eventually the Joeys had to admit it.

After a shocked silence all The Others and some of the Switchers and many of the Joeys began to say that this was a terrible Idea, and that the Original Families would be really offended that the Joeys were letting strangers into other people’s flats and that in the long run they would become their enemies.

But the Joey-in-chief and his Fat and Greedy Henchman, Jabba, got very angry and stamped their feet. They said to The Others, “We’re in charge, and we’re going to do this, and we’re not going to change a single thing. We’ll have no problems with the Original Families and the New Families. It’s our idea and you’re just jealous because you didn’t think of it yourselves”.

But although he didn’t show it in public, the Joey-in-chief was very, very sad, and he cried and cried and cried because he expected everyone to love him and admire him like his grandmother did, but it wasn’t so. Still, he had his little friend the Coconut to keep him company. The Coconut got up on a step-ladder and patted him on the head, and the Joey-in chief was happy again. He decided to go ahead with the Idea.

So it came to pass that the Joeys went Outside and started to tell everyone about the Idea, and to their surprise and dismay it was exactly as The Others had told them. All the Other Families got very, very angry. And their newspapers became very, very rude. Some of them even laughed at the Joeys and made jokes about them.

But the Joey-in-chief stood up and puffed out his tummy and looked them in the eye and because he’d already made them smell his coffee before, and he told them, “There’s nothing against this in the Condominium Union Rules”.

So the Original Families went away to drink some coffee and think about it. And when they were thinking they realised that if the New Family that had the Joeys in charge were going to let in the Rich and Talented Families from Outside, then they really didn’t need any help to deal with the poor families who were trying to break in through the windows.

So the first thing they did was make a note not to help the New Family with the Joeys in charge, not anymore, because if they had space for people who bought a bed in their flat then they had space for people who couldn’t pay for one.

First the Joeys became very angry, and then they panicked. The Chief Joey was in Ceylon, visiting a human rights abuser, so The Bearded Elder, his deputy, picked up the phone instead and announced to The Others that they were ‘thinking about it’.

And The Others told the Joeys, “See, we told you so”, but the Switchers were very, very quiet.

And as time passed, the Original Families did some more thinking about other things. All that coffee made them really alert and aware. It turns out the Joeys weren’t following all the Condominium Union Rules, so the Other Families decided that they’d get their own back, and they started to do so. They called it Infringement Procedures.

And they started to find more and more rules being broken and they started more and more Infringement Procedures.
So for instance the Condominium Union Rules said you couldn’t have any pets, but the Joeys had a little Chihuahua and up to now the Other Families hadn’t said anything because they were kind people and they didn’t want to hurt the New Family unless it was absolutely necessary. But they weren’t feeling so kind any more. So they made the Joeys get rid of the little Chihuahua, and all the Joeys cried for a month.

And The Others told them, “See, we told you so”, but the Switchers were very, very quiet.

Also, the Chief Joey’s wife, Her Presence, used to cook very smelly food, and the Original Families hadn’t ever complained. But now they made Her Presence stop cooking it. The Chief Joey was happy, but the other Joeys cried. And because they really weren’t very clever, they started to blame The Others because they had disagreed with the Idea and made a fuss about it.

The Joeys didn’t think that perhaps it was their fault because the Idea wasn’t really very good in the first place. And The Others told them “See, we told you so”, but the Switchers were very, very quiet.

Anyway, for a while the Joeys were very, very sad and they cried and cried and cried, but then they decided to give in a little. They said they’d change the Idea and stop keeping the names of the Rich and Talented Families secret. But the Original Families didn’t care, because they didn’t trust the Ironmonger.

The Joeys had called this Due Diligence, but everybody just laughed and got angry, and told them to go away. So the Joeys got very, very sad and they cried and cried and cried. And the Others told them “See, we told you so”, but the Switchers were very, very quiet.

And then the Joeys decided to give in a little more, and said, “We’ll change the Idea again. We’ll make sure that the Rich and Talented People spend lots of money in the Condominium Union”. They called it the Investment. So for a while the Original Families were interested in the Investment.

And they asked, “Will the Rich and Talented People re-make the façade? Will they cover the hallway with bright shiny marble? Will they install a pretty sofa covered in plastic? Will they build us a roof garden with artificial grass and a water feature with pretty lights and synchronised music?”.

“No” said the Joeys. “They’ll re-decorate the kitchen in our flat only, and maybe the playroom where we keep the Coconut and the pond the Jabba gets his water from”.

So the Original Families got very, very angry again and went away to talk among themselves, and they decided to tell the Chief Joey to use his Investment Idea as a suppository. And the Others told them, “See, we told you so”, but the Switchers were very, very quiet.

So the Joeys wanted to cheer themselves up. Well, one of the good things about living in the Condominium Union building was that they had the Big Rich Friend across the street. And the Big Rich Friend across the street, apart from looking out for the Condominium Union Building and many of the people living Outside and helping them stay out of trouble with the Bad Company and their nasty friends, was that they had a really nice garden with a big pool. And everybody (except Jabba because they were afraid he would steal the water) could come and go across the street and use the pool as they pleased.

And the Joeys crossed the road and found that the Big Rich Friend had changed the rules and didn’t allow them to use the pool anymore. He said “From now on you’ll have to ask for Special Permission to come and use the pool, just like the people who live Outside, but it will take a long time and we may very well not give you the Special Permission”.

In the meantime, the Original Families were busy with other things too. For a start, they changed the lock on the front door building. And they made it a special lock with special keys so nobody could make copies anymore. And when the Joeys found out they couldn’t make copies of the keys and sell them, they got very, very sad, and they cried and cried and cried because this was the end of their Idea and they didn’t have another one. And the Others told them “See, we told you so”, but the Switchers were very, very quiet.

Then one morning the Joeys woke up and as usual they wanted to wander into the flat of one of the Original Families to get some food for breakfast, as they always did. But guess what? They found that all the doors of the Original Families and the other New Families were closed and locked. So they knocked on the doors and asked to come in, but the Original Families and the New Families refused.

“You can’t come in here anymore,” they shouted. “You can’t be trusted to keep a good thing going and you broke it for all of us. So you can go back to your flat and drink your own coffee and make sure you smell it first.”

So the Joeys went back to their flat and had a nap, and then they woke up and smelled and drank their coffee and they realised what they had done. All the Joeys got very, very sad and cried and cried and cried. And the Others told them, “See, we told you so”, but the Switchers were very, very quiet.

But this was only the beginning. Because you see the Joeys hadn’t realised that one of the reasons that life had improved so much was because the Original Families were kind to them and let them wander into their flats and take their things, and now that they couldn’t do that anymore.

Not only did they not get any more free stuff, but other bad things began to happen. They had less and less money. Nobody wanted to play with them because nobody trusted them anymore. Nobody wanted to have anything to with The Others, either, because people on the Outside and in the Original Families and the other New Families could not tell the difference between Joeys, Switchers and The Others.

So all the Joeys got very, very sad and cried and cried and cried. And the Others told them, “See, we told you so”, but the Switchers were very, very quiet.

And then something happened. The Bad Company turned up disguised as a kind grandmother and offered to give the New Family run by the Joeys a lot and a lot of free stuff and a lot and a lot of money. But in return, it wanted the Joeys to obey the Bad Company.

And because the Joeys were still in charge of the New Family, they accepted because they did not have a clue how they were going to feed all the New Family. Although really all they cared about were themselves, and on a good day, the Switchers, their real worry was not that The Others would starve but that some Joeys and lots of Switchers would become hungry and cross and join The Others.

But The Others were very wary of the Bad Company, because they remembered another time, long, long ago, when the Joeys had been in charge and had made the same mistake and had become a slave of Chairman Miaow and Colonel Murderous Pervert.

They knew that the Bad Company had a reputation for giving stuff to poor families and pretending that they didn’t want anything in exchange, when in fact they wanted to own them and make them do their bidding.

So very soon the Bad Company was in control of everything the New Family needed to live properly, and the New Family found themselves having to obey the Bad Company in everything they did in the Condominium Union meetings and everything else.

And it got so bad that the Joeys and the Switchers had sold their soul so utterly and completely that they practically became like crystal meth whores giving out blow jobs to the Bad Company in exchange for their next fix. So all the Joeys and all the Switchers got very, very sad and cried and cried and cried. And The Others told them, “See, we told you so”, and this time the Switchers didn’t keep quiet.

They went running to The Others and told them, “Please save us. We’ll become The Others again and we’ll put you in charge.” But this time The Others weren’t having any of that. They told the Switchers, “We don’t want you any more. You knew the Joeys were a bunch of useless f*cking w*nkers, but you steaming piles of sh*t put them in charge regardless. We’d rather have the good Joeys instead. We’re sure we’ll find as many of them as there are of you.”

So the Switchers got very, very sad and they cried and cried and cried. Then they went off and found the Chief Joey and his Fat and Greedy Henchman and roasted them for lunch.