The Police and Army Minister: a travelling advertisement for Maltese obesity
I had just sat down on the Air Malta flight from Brussels last night and had begun to read an article about obesity, in Times of Malta (“it is reaching epidemic proportions, said consultant paediatrician Victor Grech”) when bang on cue, Police and Army Minister Manuel Mallia struggled aboard.
Because he was the very last to board, and because his seat was in the first row in business class and the curtains weren’t yet closed, the rest of us got a good, long look at him as he gave us his profile view to remove his jacket and work his way into the aisle seat, where he spilled over two places.
The man is huge. For a moment there, I doubted it was him, because he must be at least four times the size he was when I saw him last in real life, some 18 months ago, and incomparably enormous when set against those photographs I had on this website of him shopping for reduced-price chicken thighs at Lidl, wearing a striped T-shirt.
There is no way on earth he can wear a striped T-shirt now. His trousers must be made by specialist outfitters as I can’t imagine where anything similar might possibly be stocked: legs of minuscule length with a waist size you might see on those Americans who have to be wedged out of the elevator by the fire brigade after eating 50 doughnuts every day for breakfast.
I was half-joking when I called him Humpty-Dumpty, but to my horror he looks just like the illustration in my childhood Ladybird book, but with spectacles.
Any doubt that it was indeed he was immediately dispelled by the keyring presence of his chief of staff, Silvio Scerri (do you know who he is?). When I emerged from the plane, some minutes after they did, having noticed as everyone stood up to leave that the Foreign Minister, George Vella, had been seated across the aisle from the Police and Army Minister, I found Scerri (do you know who he is?) still on the platform at the top of the stairway, fussing with his boss’s bags.
I waited patiently behind him while he zipped and locked and struggled with the handle, and when he straightened up he noticed me behind him and became flustered. Instead of apologising with a smile and letting me go ahead, as any man with the slightest sense of sprezzatura/je ne said quoi/style would have done even if not well bred, he scuttled off down the stairs in front of me trying to keep his head up and not look at the stairs while carrying the Police and Army bags – a difficult task for those who weren’t made to practise walking up and down stairs with books on their heads.
When I got to the bottom I saw that the Police and Army minister was settled in an official car, escorted by an airport vehicle (the foreign minister had left already; his bag-carriers are quicker) waiting for Scerri (do you know who he is?). They were then whizzed off, lights flashing, and I thought, poor Malta.
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I wonder when we’ll start hearing of the first ministers under this administration to be treated for gout. Mallia seems to be a primary candidate.
Gout does not necessarily run hand-in-hand with obesity.
How do they manage to live so long?
Were the bags full of snacks? Just in case Air Malta business class does not feed them enough.
Next step will be a government-owned jumbo jet for these ‘weighty’ people. ‘Air Farce One.’
From this years Physics A Level paper, Paper A:
An airship is being designed to carry Manuel Mallia to the next European summit in Brussels. Using the information given the in the attached sheet, calculate:
a i) The total mass of the airship and passengers, assuming for simplicity the structure to be made of 1500 aluminium struts, each 3 metres long with a diameter of 3cm.
a ii) The downward force exerted by the combined airship and passenger mass.
b) The required volume of helium gas in order to achieve lift, assuming the septic tanks will not be emptied during flight.
c) The amount of refreshments to be carried on board, assuming the flight will last 4 hours.
a) 500,000 euros, err, I mean kilograms.
b) one thousand millions (“elf miljun”) units of force.
c) No separate helium volume is required. Helium will be generated in the septic tanks. Those Lidl chicken thighs, cooked by the police chefs for the Minister of the Army and the Police, produce helium spontaneously once they are ejected from the digestive system and deposited in septic tanks at 30,000 feet.
d) Again, no refreshments need be carried on board. Mid-flight “refuelling” will take place using a “bozza tal-plastik” courtesy of the Armed Forces expertly led by a Brigadier who is such a bright spark that he was promoted 4 times in as many months.
A+ Ciccio.
Summat Cum Louder.
It’s not just him – they all seem to be revelling in their new-found position. Compare Konrad Mizzi now with a year ago; he must be at least 10 kilos heavier and Franco Debono and Jeffrey Pullicino Orlando too.
That’s what business lunches and not “having the Missus at home ” does to you.
Every time these government idiots travel with “normal” passengers, they seem to make it a point to be late, either to make an entrance or simply because they are bullies.
Samoa Air airlines is the first airline in the world to introduce airfares related to passenger weight. The concept is still in its early days but can catch on, especially related to soaring air travel expenses and as part of an anti obesity campaign. Maybe our ministers can be Progressivi and introduce such a scheme at Airmalta.
Not a very good idea. The Minister’s airfares are paid for from our taxes.
Recently I was on an Air Malta flight to London and believe you me the Attorney General seems to be competing with the Police Minister.
Your Minister is so fat his belly can issue its own passports.
Oh sweet self-writing comedy!
http://www.maltatoday.com.mt/en/magazinedetails/magazine/film/Home-Affairs-Minister-visits-film-set-of-BBC-production-The-Whale-20130504
See the file name of the photo.
I wonder what happens if the Police and Army Minister needs to use the toilet on the aeroplane during the flight.
Not much space in there, and those doors tend to be so narrow.
Are the air hostesses trained for such in-flight emergencies?
And are passengers insured for the risks to their health if the toilets become unavailable for reasons such as “A Minister of the Maltese government could not be dislodged from the toilet”?