How to Become a Maltese Celebrity, by H. P. Baxxter

Perhaps I can help. I run training courses on How To Become a Maltese Celebrity. You have to take some bold steps but the rewards are worth it/wertit/worted.

1. Put on at least sixty kilos. You want to reach size 20+.

2. Hang a plaster statue of your favourite holy figure in the dampest corner of the house. More on this later.

3. Open a strip club and at least three restaurants/night clubs. Make sure to include “Lounge” in the name.

4. Open a Facebook account. This is VITAL!

5. Post pictures of yourself in various poses (the S-shape twist, the finger-on-parted-lips-pose, the mirror shot, the looking-down-the-cleavage-at-your-bikini-bottoms-shot, etc.)

6. Once you get a following, go the full monty.

7. If your husband or boyfriend is a decent, sensible man, dump him and get a pimp and/or fraudster (both is better).

8. Then sit back (well, lie back seductively and have your picture taken) and wait for that phone call from Where’s Everybody.

9. When you turn up at their studios, remember THIS IS YOUR PROGRAMME. In case of emergency, claim paranormal activity in connection with step 2 above.

10. Repeat for the next 52 Fridays a year, every year.