The hidden hand
Scenes from the exciting life of John Attard Montalto
The news that Karl Gouder has been chosen to replace Michael Frendo in parliament, when the latter takes up the role of Speaker of the House, will clear up for many the mystery of why he has been selected for attack over the past couple of weeks.
In situations like this, it’s always best to keep an eye to the unknown enemy within more than to the known enemy without. Known enemies can be expected always to do their worst. Unless one is particularly dull, one knows who and where they are and what they will do. The unknown enemy within is trickier.
These sorts rarely show their hand because it does not pay them to do so, but mainly because they are fearful and nasty pieces of work.
While they tell themselves they are cleverly following the advice of Nicolo Macchiavelli – though this is unlikely, as it would entail reading a book – what they are really doing is giving in to the sort of impulses that might have had them beaten up in the school locker-room for ratting on their classmates, or in the case of girls, for ganging up and doing that sort of small-time, small-minded bullying at which they are excellent: lots of whispering in corners, silence as the targeted one enters the room, plenty of nudging and giggling and, as I seem to remember one girl doing to another girl I knew, leaving used tampons in her desk.
Why would agents of the Labour Party suddenly pick on Karl Gouder, an employee of the Nationalist Party’s information office, pointlessly and out of the blue?
That’s because the hidden hand was almost certainly not Labour’s, but Labour’s unofficial media channels were used.
Good luck, Karl – you’ll need it. But then the Nationalist Party needs you in parliament.
A LAW UNTO HIMSELF
The only time I ever see my old Milner Street neighbour, John Attard Montalto, now that we no longer chance upon each other on visits to our parents because his have died and I can never find a parking space, is on planes and at airports. He is unfailingly jolly and exuberant, though when we met after Easter – in an airport – I couldn’t help but notice that time and strain are taking their toll. No doubt he said the same of me.
I must confess to having a soft spot for Attard Montalto, and not just because we both played out the first part of our lives on the same street corner, albeit with a gap of some 15 years. I am immensely entertained by his ability to carry off the role of the eccentric aristocrat – and what’s more, in the Labour Party’s fold – doing exactly as he pleases, when he pleases, without giving a stuff what other people think, and always getting away with it.
Why, he even succeeded in getting himself re-elected as an MEP, even if it entailed giving away kitchen utensils to large crowds of adoring women, something I teased him about mercilessly on the internet and which he appeared to find as funny as I did. I was especially amused when he pipped Marlene ‘I’m a businesswoman studying for a PhD’ Mizzi to the post despite – or perhaps because of – his campaign tomfoolery.
Over the years he has regaled his bemused audiences with his love of world cruises, posed for an electoral campaign photograph wearing a shirt emblazoned with the logo of a major cruise line, challenged Alfred Sant, while wearing a track-suit bearing the crest of yet another cruise line, to the party leadership, married (his second, her first) the mother of his schoolgirl daughter on board a cruise ship during a two-month world cruise and concomitant sabbatical from the European Parliament, and advertised a live link to the ceremony, so that we could all watch it, which many of us did.
He travels the globe endlessly on official and perhaps semi-official business, sends dispatches to the media from remote locations, whizzes about as though in a daze when he is not in a daze at all, and writes occasional pieces for the newspapers which at times are replete with wry, dry, erudite humour that are as much the real JAM (as his car number-plate has him) as the one who chats up old ladies at campaign meetings and hands out balloon whisks and slotted spoons.
He has been in Sudan for some time now, overseeing the electoral process, or so we are told. This has provoked a great deal of irritation among fellow MEPs, none of whom – and by this I mean the lot of them – has even a fraction of his ‘I don’t care what you think because I’m going to do it anyway’ panache. Their frustration at the fact that he was elected once more and now they must contend with him is quite palpable.
I can’t say I blame them, because while John Attard Montalto sails on with his charmed life oblivious to the fuming rage of his colleagues, leaving a sea of frowns in his beaming wake, they are the ones who must clean up after him. He might not be the most committed, hardworking and zealous MEP that Malta will ever have, but he’s worth it for that flash of eccentric, couldn’t-care-less style that everyone else in politics so sorely lacks.
The place for the weird and the wonderful is in the European Parliament. Most countries appear to know that, and have delivered their fair share to Brussels. John Attard Montalto, with his love of cruises, his absolute lack of hypocrisy, his kitchen utensils and his original take on life, is ours.
This article is published in The Malta Independent on Sunday today.
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I loved the way you wrote about John attard Montalto. You chose the gold from the bronze.
“He might not be the most committed, hardworking and zealous MEP that Malta will ever have, but he’s worth it for that flash of eccentric, couldn’t-care-less style that everyone else in politics so sorely lacks.”
Here’s a thought! Let’s elect Norman Lowell then. He certainly fits the bill.
[Daphne – Norman Lowell is neither benign nor pleasant. That is the crucial difference.]
So what if he shows up at political rallies with a sheathed bayonet?
This article is way too cutesy and inside-jokey for its own good. As for journalistic integrity and impartiality…well…that was jettisoned along with with the words: “I must confess to having a soft spot for Attard Montalto…”
Why paint human character in soot and whitewash? Here’s an excerpt from The Times, June 10, 2009: “Against all odds, Dr Attard Montalto’s gains were enough to push him through after spending three days at the counting hall without sleep hoping to be confirmed amongst Labour’s top three.”
Three sleepless days! That’s devotion for you. Maybe he was worried he’d no longer be able to represent his beloved populace…
Or of losing his cruise liner, vacationeering, globe-trotting privileges? But, hey, who am I to judge?
[Daphne – John Attard Montalto has a very large private income. He was the privileged only child of parents who had considerable assets. He need never work again as long as he lives. He need never have worked, full stop. He certainly does not need an MEP’s salary to pay for a world cruise, and he never did. I rather suspect it’s the connections and the buzz that he likes.]
And what about allegations that his surname was the ultimate vote-winner, high up the ballot sheet as it always is?
[Daphne – Who cares? You might as well argue that the same applies to Simon Busuttil.]
“Dr Attard Montalto took his unexpected victory in his stride. “If it had anything to do with my surname I guess it was my good fortune.” he said, with an emphatic smile plastered on his face.” ”
[Daphne – You see? That’s exactly what I like about him.]
O BRAV-O, sir. That is what the country needs, more wise-cracking PR-savvy politicos like you.
JAM is one Labour candidate I’ve always liked; he’s free spirited and speaks his mind.
So it seems that while JAM distributed slotted spoons, Marlene got the wooden spoon.
If all/most the Labour parliamentarians were as jolly as him and/or Michael Falzon, I wouldn’t spend every election cramped in the loo.
[Daphne – Funny you should mention Michael Falzon (Labour, not PN, I assume). He’s another childhood neighbour.]
I am not in the least amused by his behaviour… Malta cannot afford to waste any time, opportunities or resources. His behaviour is more akin to an Italian MEP and I am quite surprised that you find his behaviour charming.
[Daphne – I don’t find it charming. Children are charming, but rarely adults. I find it amusing. I am vastly entertained by people who cock a snook at life in general and especially the expectations of others, when both their intentions and the consequences are largely benign. Malta must be the only EU member state which takes its MEPs this seriously.]
‘Malta must be the only EU member state which takes its MEPs this seriously.’
I agree that Malta is ‘one’ of the few countries (not the only) that takes MEPs seriously, and thank God for that. Again, we cannot afford to lower our guard with regards to EU membership in general.
‘I am vastly entertained by people who cock a snook at life in general and especially the expectations of others’
Well, they are amusing, aren’t they, as long as others do not suffer the consequences.
‘when both their intentions and the consequences are largely benign.’
Benign? I don’t agree.
He may no longer be anywhere to be seen in Milner Street, but they do see him in Windsor Terrace.
Daphne: I might be mistaken but I couldn’t find your article on the TMIS on-line site. Any clues?
[Daphne – No idea. I have checked.]
Why – here it is:
http://www.independent.com.mt/news.asp?newsitemid=105132
“That’s because the hidden hand was almost certainly not Labour’s, but Labour’s unofficial media channels were used.”
I did not get this. Are you implying that the choice of Karl was in some way influenced by PL?
[Daphne – No. What I meant is that the Nationalist Party’s choice of Karl Gouder for co-option to parliament would have displeased certain individuals within the Nationalist Party but at odds with it, who would have tried to sabotage that his selection ahead of time by using the unofficial Labour media to attack him.]
Good article – in fact, very good. Proof (if any is needed) that you are 100 per cent unbiased. Labour writers should have the courage to admit this.
Well done, Karl. Daphne is right – beware of the klikka: Robert Arrigo, Jeffrey Pullicino Orlando, jesmond Mugliett, Stephen Spiteri and Robert Musumeci.
It’s a long time since his days as sucker-up to KMB
I was always a bit confused about Attard Montalto being in the Labour camp. To me he always seemed to be a fish out of water. He is too educated and well-mannered to be there.
Robert Musumeci was on Focus 101 yesterday morning. It’s a programme to which I listen religiously every Sunday but yesterday I just switched the radio off as soon as I heard Musumeci was taking part.
I met John in a cafe in Valletta a couple of years ago around Christmas time and we had a good laugh. Top bloke.
Inspector Gadget has elevated Joseph to the status of saint. Yesterday he told the crowd that Muscat should be compared to St. Publius because they both came from Burmarrad.
Why do I get the impression that something is amiss? With most of DCG’s articles, my BS detector flatlines and stays there. Not a peep outta the little fucker, I swear.
But this one has the little needle buried in the ‘Achtung! Alarm! Juden!’ region of the gauge, with its speaker blaring out Wagner’s ‘Flight of the Valkyries’ at an eardrum liquifying volume of 150dB.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3kbdB0SUk7g
[Daphne – That’s because you haven’t read me long enough to know that I can always be expected to come out of left field with, well, something you weren’t expecting.]
Israel Mostel,you’re keeping your BS detector too close to you – no wonder it’s flatlining.
I loved this article! And I was amused at the excerpt from The Times stating that John had spent three sleepless nights at the counting hall. Utter nonsense! I can personally vouch that his first appearance at the counting hall took place after he received the wonderful news of having been reelected.
Daphne
I like your tongue-in-cheek style. JAM is just an overgrown kid whom nobody respects. His foibles are well-known, and he’s really the laughing stock of many.
Having said that, he knows how to live the hedonistic life to the full. Beato lui!
[Daphne – My article was not written tongue-in-cheek. I never use that expression anyway. It’s an archaic cliche. People laugh at different things and different persons. I, for example, think that good subjects for laughter are people in their 50s and 60s boasting about their PhDs and producing their diplomas. John Attard Montalto is vastly superior in every way to, for example, Toni Abela and Anglu Farrugia, particularly intellectually. The difference is that he doesn’t have their working-class preoccupation with what people thing of him and this all-encompassing need to impress – except when it comes to impressing the plebs who vote for him once every five years. His newspaper article about the Piano project, for instance, was one of the best, the most practical, and most concise to be written in this whole long-drawn-out charade. And who of his political colleagues in either the Labour Party or the Nationalist Party would ever being another newspaper article, as he did a couple of weeks ago, with the words “I have been suspected of many things in my time, but never of being a good Catholic.” I quote roughly.]
Alas JAM’s bonhomie isn’t contagious. When Joseph Muscat tries it, he comes across as cheesy which doesn’t have the same effect. Somebody should tell him.
I suppose John came into politics just for kicks and joined Labour I suppose, because he was asked, and being a “sportiv” just said yes. He is a good cheerful man.
[Daphne – His father supported the Labour Party.]
@ RED NOSE – it just happened that Labour ruled the roost in the 70s and 80s and JAM quickly found his place as GWU lawyer, perky jobs and, as I commented earlier, sucker-up to KMB. I vividly remember some Xandir Malta footage of KMB waving from the balcony of Castille during some demonstration or other and JAM holding him by the pants just in case he (KMB) decided to fling himself onto the crowd a la rock star in a concert.
Istra. KMB crowdsurfing. This image will haunt me for the rest of the day.
There is no balcony at Castille.
Take off the blue blinkers and just free your mind to both sides of the fence.