Delia’s campaigner Pierre Paul Portelli: arguing like his boss

Pierre ‘Going Rate Lm15’ Portelli is now trying to defend himself with those who challenge him about his attitude towards women and his cavalier payment of Lm15 to stick his knob into “a Russian” that he never had sex with a prostitute and never paid to have sex with a prostitute.

Bravo, Portelli. Your boss Adrian ‘No, Never’ Delia would definitely approve. And were you to use that line of defence with me, I would tackle you exactly as I tackle your boss, and say to you: “Of course you didn’t, because the police burst through the door as soon as you’d taken your clothes off. But if they hadn’t burst through the door and taken your particulars (not in the buff, I hope), you would have.”

I know you’re reading this, Portelli, so take this on board, too. I read in the court judgement how you told the police that you’d only just taken your clothes off (the bit where everyone including the police back then know that you hadn’t actually stuck your knob in yet is really important to you, no doubt because sex is naughty and that’s why you went in the first place) and that the young woman you were planning on rogering for 15 Maltese liri had been telling you how desperate she was and that she was only doing it for the money to be able to get back home to her country.

If a man can get it up in a situation like that – or worse still, if a situation like that is what does it for him – then that man’s actions cannot be attributed to “being young” but to having a seriously flawed (and I’m restraining myself here) character, not to say a disordered personality.

Also, in my long experience as a woman in her 50s, I can say with certainty that all the men I have known, whether they are friends, relatives, acquaintances, ex boyfriends, former school mates, work colleagues, whatever, were exactly the same at 35 as they were at 22. They were the same at 45 as they were at 22, and they are the same at 55 as they were at 22. Those who lied pathologically at 22 are still lying at 50. Those who had a bad attitude to women at 22 have an even worse attitude to women now. Those who were kind, decent and generous at 22 are the same at almost 60.

With men, the cut-off point for personality and behavioural change is 19 or, at a stretch, 20. The teenage years are generally a nightmare for parents and everyone else around them as they test the limits and put wrinkles on the faces of those who have to deal with them (and this is in fact an essential part of psychological and emotional development which cannot be missed or there will be trouble later in life). But then it’s like a button is pressed at around 19/20 and things fall into place and then they are what they are for life.

So if somebody has a weak, sneaky, underhand personality and a bad attitude to women at 22, he is definitely still the same at 35. But at 35, you just become better at hiding it.

A big discount on the going rate for sticking your knob into “a Russian”, with all proceeds going to a “client’s account” in a Channel Islands tax haven.