Lorna Vassallo goes to Venezuela
As the queen of mashed syntax, strange metaphors and convoluted sentences, the Labour candidate Lorna Vassallo had quite a following when she wrote a column for The Times. We would copy choice excerpts from her pieces, paste them onto emails and send them to each other for a good giggle. Pompous and self-important asses devoid of a sense of humour or self-awareness don’t have to be men.
Fortunately, our Lorna has a website, in which she is sharing her travels with us. The site is also littered with such gems as the fact that she took ‘paid leave’ on a public holiday which fell on a Saturday, and that holiday leave is made all the more beautiful when you know that somebody else is paying for you to do nothing (a typical Labour mentality that needs to be dropped pronto).
So here are some choice excerpts from the travel diaries of Labour’s own Lara Croft.
“We yelled loudly at every single sight uncloaked through the thick mist that made the scenery all too mysterious and the knowledge that we were but invading the reign of the anaconda.”
…..
“The cool water of the lagoon awaiting under the blue sky seemed to be an inversion of heaven and hell allowed by the gods of Canaima that made the fine dust and perspiration – proof of long travel – an asset as it stuck to our skin. The feeling of letting go and immersing ourselves into the waters seemed too much like a Venezuelan baptism in Nature’s own womb.”
….
“The psychological challenge one has to go through in trying to accept the fact that some dangerous animal might creep up the poles and swallow him/her (hammock and all) was only attenuated by the fact that a tanned and perfectly muscled guide (dagger-in-belt) lay some metres away.”
For more fun and games, visit www.lornavassallo.com
22 Comments Comment
Leave a Comment
Aaah. The Dame never ceases to please. Somehow the Times was never the same once the Lorna column stopped. If Daphne will allow me a plug, Lorna enthusiasts will find a series of “crits” of her literary works on J’accuse. All you have to do to savour them is to go to http://jaccuse.wordpress.com and type “TGIL” in the search box on the right column. Enjoy.
My hard work earned me the description “a luxembourger that smells of gozo cheese” by the dame herself. You can get a mouse pad commemorating the occasion here: http://www.cafepress.com/akkuza.31045329 (of course not one specimen was sold).
End of spamming. Now back to work!
Bravo Daphne re the Mugliett analysis. Credit where credit is due.
Looks a dear winner for the Bulwer-Lytton
http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/lyttony.htm
http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/
Maybe Lorna she’s meeting Chavez incognito to offer some tips for a Lejber revoljuxin…
This is a snippet from her Venezuelan travels:
“As I sashayed through the cool marble interior of the presidential palace, I could feel my heart beating in my chest cavity for in spite of the coolness of the magical South American evening I could feel the heat of the aura of such a great president Chavez. He is not a big man but his bigness (sic) lies in his spunk to stand up to America (just like our great lider and JPO).
When I came face to face with this great man, I felt his eyes boring (!) into mine and I forgot the world, myself and my great lider. I imagined Chavez dressed in a cape and tights as he swept me off to oblivion…forgetting that we lost the elections 3 times in a row.Swoooooon!
To be published soon in the Mills & Boon Series
Well, you can’t say she isn’t entertaining.
Thanks Jacques for the link. This is an amazing discovery (for me at least).
These articles and postings would have been extremely useful as a distraction during the ‘tense’ election campaign. Anyway, it’s a pity that Lorna was not elected to parliament, especially now that Rita Law is no longer an MP.
Dear Daphne, If I’m not mistaken (but I stand to be corrected because I do not have access to my library at the moment and am relying purely on memory which may, alas, be imperfect) article 5(1)C of the Constitution was once applied to Miss Mabel Strickland.
Good entry about this Lorna Vassallo person. That’s the type of person you should pick on Daphne – people who irritate me, like her. I wish you’d pick on a Maltese “singer” called “La Barokka” – I’d never heard of her up until a few weeks ago, but after watching her YouTube videos, proclaiming her mission to bring “happiness” to all the word, I couldn’t but wish somebody would just put her in her place. Turns out she’s also a One TV journalist. I wish she’d try her hand at “The X Factor”, I’d like to hear what Simon Cowell would say about her voice.
All through these years I have been a fan of your articles, but never so much as during this electoral campaign! Well done! And as for Lorna…..nahhh better not give vent to my frustrtions in public….
Hi there…i visited tombraider’s website…she posted a picture of a very colourful bird at the end of her travel diary…i thought it would go perfectly well with the peacock and the chicken :) what do you think?
I discovered your comments lately.
We’ll soon be seeing each other in court I guess … dear Daphne.
And Jacques-Rene too.
See you
“his bigness” lol lol
Does she have an idea how that can be construed?? lol
A Court case! A Court case! Now that’s an interesting one. Will we have time for chocolates after the performance? Daphne, how does that fit in to the “I will sue you for libel if you don’t shut up” philosophy?
Looking forward to an all-expenses paid trip to the qrati ta’ Malta (bl-ispejjez)… an intriguing case in which “Yes M’lud I stand by my statement that the Dame’s grammar more than verged on the erroneous” is the defence line… now did I last see my ‘First Aid in English’ handbook?
[…] Vassallo Thursday, 24 April 1110hrs I discovered your comments lately.We’ll soon be seeing each other in court I guess … dear […]
[…] Under Lorna Vassallo goes to Venezuela. […]
buhahaha…i can’t stop laughing!
i cant stop laughing either. This Lorna would make a good mate for that other nutter down there, Hugo Chavez. What an absolute prat. As they say in the good film “snatch”…..the predictibilit of stupidity is amazing. Oh Well, kulhadd b’xi hobby le?
lets analyze her kitchen. It is what one would call furnished in the “tal-lira chic” style. hOw about featuring it in Flair dear Daph ?
Has anybody considered introducing LV to Dr. Anthony Licari? They would make a fine couple.
@ Jennifer Formosa
The eminent Drrrrrrrr Licari and Our Dear Lorna are friends…
I love it when ladies have a go at each other, but I just could no5t stand Lorna, switings – a waste of space (no ! as I know Daphne does not like them,,,,,
In the excitement my own spelling went haywire it should be “I just could not stand Lorna’s writings. Please forgive and 85-year-old!!